My heart is a sinking ship

I have no choice but to miss you... My heart is a sinking ship. If there is strength yet to be found in it, it lies at the bottom of this ocean. So down I go, a relic I will become. So still. Memories, dreams and longings haunt my corridors and dance in my sails. I have only to sleep and wait. All my hopes turn to whispers yet do not fade. My life is constrained in a singular vision, a vision of you and I weathering this storm. Despair and  defeat are other then this patient vessel. Until the day you raise me up to sail again, I re live the sweetness of your touch, the gift of your love. May it be once again my harbor.

Uncertainty

When I die, do not mourn me as a christian for I am not one. Belief systems and afterlife theories are irrelevant in death and the soul may go far beyond them. This is what I have embraced. Death is just another part of the uncertainty that dances all around us. And God is in the details.

Samuel

Being so close to you alarms me on some level. I never expected you and I couldn't have imagined you, yet here you are giving me something I never ever had before...  Being cherished and loved by you has changed my life. You take the anxiety and the guess work out of my heart. When you call me baby and tell me that I'm beautiful I know that you mean it and I want to pinch myself and make sure I'm not dreaming. And then you say you love me and nothing has ever felt more real. How we met, our pasts, our presents, our personalities, the way we laugh and even your very name... blows my mind. Serendipity indeed. It's enough to make me believe in God again, So in a way, you may have saved my soul when you stole my heart... You are my companion and safe harbor and yours I will forever be.

And then you

I resigned myself alone to keep.

A wounded bird, a lost little sheep.

No fanciful eye, no dreams not pipe

I told myself it would suffice.

and then you.

I walked through valleys and weathered the storms

I tried to love and suffered only scorn

I watched them die, I lived with ghosts

My broken heart a willing host.

and then you.

I thought I'd never know anything but fragility

Or find in a man, such warmth and nobility

A stout hearted love seemed just out of grasp

but something inside me dared me to ask.

and then you

my soul, my heart, my serendipity

your love has rescued me.

Something has got to give 1/10/13

So much for New Year's resolutions... not that I made any but if I had they would be shot to hell now. I am not starting this year off very well, not very well at all. This terribly insecure and broken version of myself keeps making  decisions for me and they all end up being self sabotaging and destructive. I keep finding my self in the same sort of situations with the same sort a man, the kind that doesn't think twice about completely destroying my heart. Perhaps my skin is too thin and my heart is too weak, the only thing you can do with a girl whose heart is perpetually broken is crumble the pieces a bit more. I am carrying around a heart turned to dust.. I know I am being melodramatic and probably giving way too much credit to men who weren't worth my time in the first place but no matter how hard I try I can't  figure out why I keep perpetuating this vicious cycle. There is something seriously wrong with me, I'm subconsciously trying to punish myself.  That is the only conclusion I can come to after all this time.
 The last brief episode of heartache was surprisingly harmful. I was admittedly inebriated, but the hint of that familiar scenario of being the "other woman" struck a cord deep in my soul and sent me to the depths of that pain again. A sensible and cool headed version of myself would have sailed right past it with dignity and self assurance while brushing aside this lesser man, but that is not what I did, not in the least. I caused scene, I was angry and crying and pushing him away even while he tried to tell me how he liked me and wasn't going to go anywhere. It almost made it worse. He was suppose to leave me, I repeatedly told him I hated him and  that he should go away. I was pissed beyond what merited the situation and I didn't care.
  You ever feel like your heart is so broken that it physically aches in your chest? I feel heavy and tired. The world is a cold and lonely place and hope is an illusion. I suppose this is a bought of depression and I will feel right as rain in a week or so but this happens to me far too often to be tolerated. I've tried everything I could think of to avoid it happening but here I am again on my own going down the only road I've ever known... yes I quoted Whitesnake, that is just how pathetic I am becoming.
  Something has got to give. That phrase has been echoing in my head for the past few weeks and the truth of it I cannot escape. I'm beginning to hate this town and it's Never Never Land mindset. I want to run away from it but I don't really think that would solve anything. And I don't see anywhere better to go. I feel stuck and running out of time. I've found myself closing my teary eyes so tight and pleading with God for help and then my mind tells me that I'm talking to no one and it's all up to me to change things... which just makes me even sadder.
  My dreams have been slow and sad and tinged with loss. I look in the mirror lately and behind my fake smile a broken sad little girl. I drive the same roads every day and long to go beyond them. I'm bored with every other aspect of my life besides my work. Amazingly enough that isn't the problem I enjoy my job and am satisfied with it, but after five years in this bizarre party/resort town and one failed relationship after the other I'm beginning to wonder if I don't just need to pack up the few possessions I have and just leave for anywhere else.