This is how I will date you.

   I’ll date you because I choose to. I will desire you with every dawn and I will desire you with every dusk. I will date you because you make me laugh, because despite your flaws and your temperaments, my heart feels safe within your hands. I will date you and I will pay no mind to the alternative, I will turn a blind eye to the people who stare because my gaze was made for your gaze. In this generation option creeps into relationships like a dangerous siren, but I will never be swayed by its song, for when I date you, I will date only you.

   I will date you in a forgetful way. I wont be able to recall the time you were born, or your mothers middle name. I will forget mini anniversaries, I will forget appointments. However, I will never forget the way you looked when you told me you loved me for the first time. I will never forget the way you smell, the colour of the freckles in your eyes. I will always remember what makes your heart race, the moments of smaller magic that bang and clash against your ribcage when my head rests on your chest. I will immortalize you in my fingertips; I will never forget the way you make me feel.
 
   I will date you outside of social media. I will hold your hand, I will kiss your soft mouth, I will be your biggest fan, and that will exist between you and I. Two people, unfiltered, completely unedited, simply loving each other without validation. I wont need a certain amount of likes to know that I admire you, I wont need a specific number of views to understand that I could watch you all day. Our relationship will be one that is incubated within the confines of our inside jokes, our humorous memories, our deep connection – it will never be subjected to a 4×4 square; it will never be two-dimensional.
 
  You will not be my mcm, my wcw, or my bae. You will be my heart. You will be my home. I will not post my love for you on your Facebook wall, I will not take photos to prove to the world how much I adore the way your hair feels in the morning, or how you can never keep a straight face when you see someone fall. There will be no public evidence of our infatuation, but I will love you deeply in the most beautiful places. I will kiss you in your favourite bakery; I will brush your cheek with every tree that lines the most darling streets. We will create memories in the world, not for it. We will see our relationship dotted across the town like Christmas lights.

   Most importantly, I will date you in the image of tenacity. I will endure for you, even when we fall on hard times, even when we struggle. I will not flee or abandon you when we disagree, I will not sleep within foreign arms when I feel hurt. I promise that when I date you, I will fight for you. I will fight for the beauty in which our hearts have felt, and though it will be difficult at times, like worthy things are, I will believe in you – I will believe in us.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/bianca-sparacino/2015/07/this-is-how-ill-date-you/

I've always had a soft spot for the underdog.

There is a debate going on inside of my skin.

My mind tells me that soon you will be gone... soon there will be no trace of your presence in my life, just like the ones before. I must purge all reminders of what once existed between us because it's too painful to pile so much loss into one life. I will replay our story trying to make sense of the ending for a while longer until it no longer matters and where once there was a gaping whole in my chest there remains only a small tear. 

My heart tells a different story. It holds onto to hope still, like a battered wife who wont leave her husband in one of those terrible Lifetime movies my heart just can't let go yet and replays all the lovely moments and sweet intimacies between us. It finds reasons to believe things will turn around if I'm just patient enough or understanding enough, if I send out all my positive intentions into the universe and say the exact right things and have faith and ask that just this once love will work out for me, then maybe it will happen. because statistically it should happen by now, it happens to other people right? they go through rough times, fall away from each other, learn and grow and then come back to each other wiser and stronger. They forgive each other and find their laughter again... 

My heart makes an impassioned speech and a strong argument and of course I give into it again, while my mind stands in the corner with its arms crossed waiting to prove my heart wrong again.. My mind rarely loses a case so it's smug and self assured.... I hate my mind sometimes.
I hopelessly root for my heart as usually. I can't help it... I'm believing one day it will triumph in sweet victory and win me love... but I've always had a soft spot for the underdog.

The butterfly assassin

I cant explain it really...

I knew it was a risk from the moment I met him but something was there, a seldom felt flutter.
There were warnings and there were cautions but there was laughter and warmth as well.
After a little while the sleeping butterflies were awakened in my stomach and something told me everything would work out fine... eventually.
Patience was never an easy thing for me but I wanted to cultivate it and I knew it would be worth it
well I'm still trying, wondering... missing.
hoping it hasn't all disappeared from me forever, struggling with the absence and the silence.
And then I saw her, the reason he is gone from me now but the reason he entered my life as well. I almost ran into her at the post office coming around a corner, and when I looked up there she was.
What a strange encounter. A stranger to me could be such a source of pain. My stomach dropped as if all the butterflies had just died. murdered by the reality of her. She was pretty and friendly looking, a part of me wanted to befriend this ominous creature. I'm not sure why except to maybe to turn the monster into a puppy or something less sinister.
I looked at myself and saw someone much less important, foolish really to think 3 months can hold a candle to all those years but the truth remains that I want to hold a candle, I want to be his silver lining and erase the hurt she caused... but I guess only time will tell if I will get the chance.

The magic of beginnings.

“And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”

― Meister Eckhart

Suddenly and unexpectedly there has been some big transitions in my life. 

I planned on moving away to NC last summer and I planned on moving back to Breckenridge when it didn't work out the way I had hoped, But I didn't plan on this. 

I have worked at the same studio for 7 years, so when I wrote to tell them I was coming back they were overjoyed and welcomed me back instantly even though I was only gone for a month and a half. I came back and resumed working there like normal but things in the company had started to shift and not for the better. Everyone was unhappy and constantly complaining about the management. The atmosphere was tense and disconcerting. It never used to be that way, it was usually fun and drama free. It began to make me feel weird. 

So, I have been working since I was 16 and have never left a job on bad terms. I pride myself on my work ethic and being a solid and dependable worker. My parents were shinning examples of hard workers with integrity and trustworthiness so I've always done my best to honor those principles. Little did I know there was devious forces at work bent on sabotaging and telling lies about me. I'm not exactly sure why this poisonous hateful person targeted me, I've never known someone could be so vindictive and evil. I had trained this person as a new hire earlier this year and while I was gone she was promoted to desk manager. At first it seemed like a good fit but as the weeks went by she became passive aggressive and began micro-managing everything and everyone. She started harassing me on a regular basis with phone calls and emails and making veiled threats.Without going into the details of her treachery towards me and the lies she was telling the owner, I'll just say I had to leave my job.

 I was devastated and stunned. I kept going over it and trying to figure out what had happened and how someone could be such an unconscionable liar. I was angry and wanting vindication at first. but after realizing it was not the same company anymore, because it came under new ownership a year ago and new management this year and they were not good people like I had worked for the previous 6 years in fact the new owner and manager were unethical and awful. I began to realize I was glad not to work for people like that and focused my energy on finding a new and better job.

As it happens I have landed in an idealistic situation. The timing was perfect and it was serendipitous that I found my new job which includes a more respectful and professional environment, more opportunity for advancement, better hours and a hefty raise. I couldn't be happier!

For the past year or so I couldn't shake this feeling of imbalance and feeling stuck, it didn't occur to me it had anything to do with my job because I've always enjoyed my work, but I see now that the environment I was in grew increasingly more toxic to me. I didn't realize I needed to practice my profession in a different way and that I had outgrown the studio I was in. It's almost like the universe knew what I needed and gave me a push... Well it was more like a kick in the pants, but it got me unstuck and I am genuinely grateful for the new beginnings that have come from it. 

At first all I could see was the loss and betrayal and everything spinning out of control but once I decided to pick myself up by my boot straps and start again and leave the negativity behind me I started focusing on my strengths and inner resources I realized you can't keep a good woman down. I've been knocked down so many times in my life it is easy to lay there and feel defeated, which I have, sometimes it takes a little longer to recover but as long as there is life there is hope. So, I will hope for better things and fight for bigger dreams.

This whole experience, while painful, has made me find the courage I had lost and made me realize I will always land on my feet...because I choose to.  And I will try not to fear endings because they can lead to magical beginnings.

my people

The displaced and dejected,  those are my kindred. The ones who don't fit in and don't  belong, those are my people.  From the pogroms to the trail of tears. My soul has walked this earth longing for home. From the early tribes who were scattered and harmed. I seem to carry the wounds in my blood. I unwittingly echo the patterns of nomads and gypsies moved on from wherever their feet would rest. The Ashkenazi and the black foot are merely a part of a deeper story that runs the course of my veins with an ancient voice. I have long wondered why I feel so seperated from my tribe. Perhaps, I know deep in my soul the tragedies of thier stories echoing in my own.