Ah.. It's that time of year again. The time of year everyone comes together with their families. The time of year for making yummy food, watching happy movies and singing happy songs... The time of year there seems to be a conspiracy to see how much I can take. The time of year that, no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I become a moody, sad individual. Ridiculous I know! I try so hard to be a joiner and focus on the positives but that nagging ache always seems to find a way back into my heart and I'm sunk. Flooded with memories of how Christmas really was my favorite time of year and now my main goal is to survive it... I hate that feeling of having nothing to look forward too. I'm mostly successful in keeping my joy but I'm sorry kids, life is messy and sometimes I feel like it's only goal is too see how much it can break my heart... I may bash Christmas a little bit, but it's not because I don't believe in it, it's mainly because I just miss my Dad and Sammy so much...
Looking back at the past year I feel like I have grown a lot, And there have been big changes. I have awesome friends and great roommates and a church family that I love. But I can't help feeling still like somethings missing... maybe I'll always feel like that and I should just cope, but I don't want to just accept that. Joel 2:25 was the verse God gave me at the beginning of the year " And He shall restore the years the locust have eaten." Well I still believe it, this year may not have been as earth shattering as I had hoped but it's a start and I'll never give up on my dreams. There are more years of restoration in store for me, not because I deserve it, not because I've been a 'good girl' but because the LORD is good and wants to bless His children.
So even though I fall into my old ways of scroogeness on occasion, I will not forget that Jesus is the reason for the season and His Love restores my life, His arms are wrapped around my family and however much longer I am on the earth I will praise him. I will do my best to remember I am still here for a reason and I have much love to give in His name. So please forgive me for losing sight and looking at all I lack. After all my treasures are stored in heaven and not on this earth. And for that I am truly grateful.
Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Father of birds
A twinkle in your eyes, a spring in your step,
Mischief and sunshine in your smile.
We have spirits made of flight.
I heard you in the wind, traveling along,
Still whistling your songs.
The memories fade but the ache remains
To rest secure in your sheltering arms.
The days are evil
That have taken you away
From a broken girl, a heart unsafe.
A quiet man. The strongest heart.
My resilience, i am apart.
I will not surrender. I will not retreat
Til death will take the breath from me.
And I will rise my soul relieved
From wingless skin and agony
To answers for the way we feel.
The love that binds is all that's real.
Mischief and sunshine in your smile.
We have spirits made of flight.
I heard you in the wind, traveling along,
Still whistling your songs.
The memories fade but the ache remains
To rest secure in your sheltering arms.
The days are evil
That have taken you away
From a broken girl, a heart unsafe.
A quiet man. The strongest heart.
My resilience, i am apart.
I will not surrender. I will not retreat
Til death will take the breath from me.
And I will rise my soul relieved
From wingless skin and agony
To answers for the way we feel.
The love that binds is all that's real.
Brother
I am raven you are crow.
I am bound in earthly realms and you roam among the reverse of my sky.
I am half and with you whole.
A blood bond a childhood shared.
A brother still in dreams untold.
A brown eyed boy in worlds unknown.
I spirit away my soul to steal,
For where you are I wait to heal.
I am bound in earthly realms and you roam among the reverse of my sky.
I am half and with you whole.
A blood bond a childhood shared.
A brother still in dreams untold.
A brown eyed boy in worlds unknown.
I spirit away my soul to steal,
For where you are I wait to heal.
Lover.
I love that way you ride with me from start to finish.
I love how your always there... waiting for me.
I love how you never get mad at me and never yell.
I love your smooth body; your flex; your style; your curves.
I love how you never judge me
I love how you make me smile.
I love it when were together
I love my snowboard.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
I Love You.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments.
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)
What does it mean to love someone purely? the word 'Love' gets tossed around so flippantly in today's culture and I have been thinking a lot about whether we really know what we are talking about, whether I really mean it when I say I love someone... does it depend on how they make you feel? does it depend on your own agenda for that person? does it depend on whether they hurt you or not? If they disappoint you, betray you? Is it really just all about you?...
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. " 1 C0r. 13:4-7
Always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love is making some one's highest good your greatest goal. Loving them no matter what. wanting the best for them even if the best for them isn't the 'best' for you... Even if it breaks your heart a little. God wants us to love one another so His grace is in our decision to do so I believe.
There is no remedy for love but to love more. Henry David Thoreau
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. Mother Teresa
So when I say 'I love you.' it's a promise that I will do my best to serve you, believe in you, want the best in and for you, and act unselfishly towards you in all things... even if you aren't loving me back, even if your not around... I'll take care of you.
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)
What does it mean to love someone purely? the word 'Love' gets tossed around so flippantly in today's culture and I have been thinking a lot about whether we really know what we are talking about, whether I really mean it when I say I love someone... does it depend on how they make you feel? does it depend on your own agenda for that person? does it depend on whether they hurt you or not? If they disappoint you, betray you? Is it really just all about you?...
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. " 1 C0r. 13:4-7
Always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love is making some one's highest good your greatest goal. Loving them no matter what. wanting the best for them even if the best for them isn't the 'best' for you... Even if it breaks your heart a little. God wants us to love one another so His grace is in our decision to do so I believe.
There is no remedy for love but to love more. Henry David Thoreau
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. Mother Teresa
So when I say 'I love you.' it's a promise that I will do my best to serve you, believe in you, want the best in and for you, and act unselfishly towards you in all things... even if you aren't loving me back, even if your not around... I'll take care of you.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Remember the acorn and be still...
The mind is such a powerful force of creation, it can build elaborate worlds of fantasy completely ignorant of reality... that is why taking every thought captive and making them obedient to Christ is so very important, especially for women. Prudence must conquer our impulsiveness if our aim is contentment and complete trust in God. This is not an easy lesson for me as it turns out, I must continually practice this until it becomes habit. Fortunately God does not leave me to my own devices, I have asked Him to train me, no matter how I fight or how uncomfortable and embarrassing it may be I want Him to always win. He is always faithful and I must be faithful in trusting His heart, His heart for me is good " Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12. He does not delight in our heart sickness but desires our longings to be fulfilled and that we become a tree of life, probably much more then we ourselves realize, But our hearts must flutter inside of His design for us and His designs are absolutely beautiful.
Elisabeth Elliot, very eloquently puts it like this;
There is no ongoing spiritual growth without the process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we want to find our true selves, if we want real life our hearts are set on glory.
Think of the self that God has given as an acorn it is a marvelous little thing, a perfect shape, perfectly designed for it's purpose, perfectly functional. Think of the grand glory of an oak tree. God's intention when He made the acorn was the oak tree. His intention for us is "... the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ." Many deaths must go into our reaching that measure, many letting goes. When you look at the oak tree you don't feel that the "loss" of the acorn is a very great loss. The more you perceive God's purpose in your life, the less terrible will the losses seem. The lesson of the seed has not been fully learned. There must be relinquishment there is no way around it. The seed does not "know" what will happen. It only knows what is happening - the falling, the darkness, the dying. We are being asked to Trust, to leave the planning to God. God's ultimate plans are far beyond our imaginings as the oak tree is far beyond the acorns imaginings. The acorn does what it was made to do without pestering its Maker with questions about when and how and why. We who have been given an intelligence and will and a whole range of wants that can be set against the divine pattern for good are asked to believe Him. We are given the chance to trust Him when He says to us, "... If any man will let himself be lost for my sake he will find his true self."
when will we find it? we ask. The answer is, Trust me.
How will we find it? The answer again is, Trust me.
Why must I let myself be lost? We persist. The answer is,
Look at the acorn and trust me.
Elisabeth Elliot, very eloquently puts it like this;
There is no ongoing spiritual growth without the process of letting go. At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we want to find our true selves, if we want real life our hearts are set on glory.
Think of the self that God has given as an acorn it is a marvelous little thing, a perfect shape, perfectly designed for it's purpose, perfectly functional. Think of the grand glory of an oak tree. God's intention when He made the acorn was the oak tree. His intention for us is "... the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ." Many deaths must go into our reaching that measure, many letting goes. When you look at the oak tree you don't feel that the "loss" of the acorn is a very great loss. The more you perceive God's purpose in your life, the less terrible will the losses seem. The lesson of the seed has not been fully learned. There must be relinquishment there is no way around it. The seed does not "know" what will happen. It only knows what is happening - the falling, the darkness, the dying. We are being asked to Trust, to leave the planning to God. God's ultimate plans are far beyond our imaginings as the oak tree is far beyond the acorns imaginings. The acorn does what it was made to do without pestering its Maker with questions about when and how and why. We who have been given an intelligence and will and a whole range of wants that can be set against the divine pattern for good are asked to believe Him. We are given the chance to trust Him when He says to us, "... If any man will let himself be lost for my sake he will find his true self."
when will we find it? we ask. The answer is, Trust me.
How will we find it? The answer again is, Trust me.
Why must I let myself be lost? We persist. The answer is,
Look at the acorn and trust me.
Monday, May 10, 2010
I'm with You...
In conjunction with my new years blog and the state of high hopes that my heart has been in this year, I came across this song today and felt that it was God reminding me of His faithfulness and the joy that is found in trusting in Him.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
All of the pain and loss and All of the loneliness and heartbreak of the past He wipes away and gives me peace. No matter what may come, I'm with you.
Wake up on your own, And look around you 'cause you're not alone. Release your high hopes and they'll survive, 'Cause this is the future and you are alive.
Dive in and swim away, From your loneliness and miserable days.
And when you wake up on your own, Look around you 'cause you're not alone. Let your hopes go and they'll survive, 'Cause this is the future and you are alive.
You're headed home.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Randomness and Epiphanies
Here I am running into the same old issue I have always had... My mama calls it a fiercely independent spirit, I prefer that term over 'a rebellious spirit' but I fear the two can lend themselves to each other fairly often. I am not the kind of girl who compartmentalizes myself, I've learned to handle my emotions but my heart is a wild thing that will not be put into a box or sectioned off, it won't be censored or edited. This has been both a blessing and a curse in my life.
Censorship is overrated... as is fear of offense... Be yourself. Always. I'd rather be rough around the edges and a little bit scandalous then a white washed tomb. FREEDOM! that's what its ALL about. I can't help but ponder how Jesus angered the religious people of His day and didn't fear who He offended and was Himself a Scandalous man. We should all be more like that. I want to be real above all else and guard my heart from emotionalism and religiosity, they can creep in oh so subtly. I don't want to fit neatly into any ones little box and become a tamed and edited version of myself... but I do want to check my motivation often and try and do everything out of Love, I am, after all a work in progress...
God is so much bigger then the boxes we put Him in... what should you do to make His heart happy? Ask yourself what it is that makes you come alive and go do that! Most Christians walk around feeling like a disappointment to God but how would it change you if you REALLY knew that YOU are the object of His desire. Your heart is free, your heart is good, not criminal. He gives you desires he gives you passions and wants you to take joy in them, use your talents don't waste them, dream big, trust Him always and be confident in His deep and faithful love. Somewhere along the line many of us were taught that our hearts are desperately wicked but how can that be true if the bible says that If we delight ourselves in the Lord He shall give us the desires of our HEARTS? God tells us to guard our hearts with all diligence because it is the wellspring of LIFE not wickedness.
There is an epic love story going on all around us and our hearts know this deep down inside. It is the theme of almost every movie, book, fairytale and story we love. We are a part of it, it draws us toward home. We were meant for something amazing, something more then an aimless existence, something absolutely breathtaking and extremely important. We are warriors and rescuers, We are pursued and fought for, We must fight for the vision and listen for it. Do not let your hearts be imprisoned by this life, it is but a vapor, there is more. We will be rescued. Eternity whispers... listen.
Censorship is overrated... as is fear of offense... Be yourself. Always. I'd rather be rough around the edges and a little bit scandalous then a white washed tomb. FREEDOM! that's what its ALL about. I can't help but ponder how Jesus angered the religious people of His day and didn't fear who He offended and was Himself a Scandalous man. We should all be more like that. I want to be real above all else and guard my heart from emotionalism and religiosity, they can creep in oh so subtly. I don't want to fit neatly into any ones little box and become a tamed and edited version of myself... but I do want to check my motivation often and try and do everything out of Love, I am, after all a work in progress...
God is so much bigger then the boxes we put Him in... what should you do to make His heart happy? Ask yourself what it is that makes you come alive and go do that! Most Christians walk around feeling like a disappointment to God but how would it change you if you REALLY knew that YOU are the object of His desire. Your heart is free, your heart is good, not criminal. He gives you desires he gives you passions and wants you to take joy in them, use your talents don't waste them, dream big, trust Him always and be confident in His deep and faithful love. Somewhere along the line many of us were taught that our hearts are desperately wicked but how can that be true if the bible says that If we delight ourselves in the Lord He shall give us the desires of our HEARTS? God tells us to guard our hearts with all diligence because it is the wellspring of LIFE not wickedness.
There is an epic love story going on all around us and our hearts know this deep down inside. It is the theme of almost every movie, book, fairytale and story we love. We are a part of it, it draws us toward home. We were meant for something amazing, something more then an aimless existence, something absolutely breathtaking and extremely important. We are warriors and rescuers, We are pursued and fought for, We must fight for the vision and listen for it. Do not let your hearts be imprisoned by this life, it is but a vapor, there is more. We will be rescued. Eternity whispers... listen.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Love me.
Love me... even though I am thoroughly flawed and a royal mess of a girl... I will improve.
Love me... despite my impatience and my weaknesses... I will learn.
Love me... take my tired and weary heart in your strong arms... I will rest.
Love me... and I will do my very best to deserve it.
Love me... because your love is the air I breathe.
Love me... despite my impatience and my weaknesses... I will learn.
Love me... take my tired and weary heart in your strong arms... I will rest.
Love me... and I will do my very best to deserve it.
Love me... because your love is the air I breathe.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Desire.
Currently listening to this free podcast from John Eldredge...
No religion. No bullshit. Just truth that stirs my soul, brings tears to my eyes and reminds my heart of true love.
Check it out, it's so worth it.
http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=268572646
Thursday, January 7, 2010
What the Hell?
If the church in general can adopt and perpetuate a falsely interpreted and twisted doctrine such as the unfortunate misconception of 'hell' for so long, what else have they got wrong? that's all I'm saying... Don't just take things on 'authority', take authority on things. God has given us brains and we should intend to use them. Seeking the truth is too tame a term, sometimes you have to get a shovel and dig it up.
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