My story unfolds.

Do you ever wonder if all we've been through really means anything or we just find meanings in our struggles because they're all we have?

I used to picture my life as a clock ticking away the time I had left to do something meaningful, but time is shiftable, meaningless.

 Up until a month ago I thought of you as dependable and trustworthy and there was a foreseeable future in which we had made each other a part and we would value each other no matter what distance or circumstance came between us. But now All of that is gone, you took it away. You chose to hurt me and destroy everything we had. I'll never cease to be baffled by that... but it's really not about you anymore. In the end you were a master of illusion, smoke and mirrors and I fell for it. I see now that you were not who you presented yourself to be and I'm not the first woman to be deceived.
Our story, in hindsight, was doomed, gloriously hopeful in the beginning and at finish intensely heartbreaking. But, it's over now. I'll tuck it away with all the other pictures in my mind of how I thought my life could be.

I loved the man you pretended to be as I suspect you did too... but you are not him, at least not yet. Maybe one day you will truly be a good man and not so weak and selfish... I hope so. Meanwhile, I have a life to live and more chapters to write. I will find someone who loves like I do.

I do not recognize this woman in the mirror who is weighed down and downcast. I will leave her here as you did and start afresh someplace new. I'll say farewell to our story and write a new one. The story I'm writing for myself is just getting good... There's no predicting what lays ahead, but there will be bravery, adventure, new destinations and epic tales of love and loss. Life unfolds before us and the choices we make regarding those we say we love will determine the integrity with which we live our story and the quality of our inner life. In the end all anyone has is themselves so the most important character development is your own.

Once in a lifetime.

I am strong. I am the author of my story and no one can ever hurt me without my permission. I'm smart and resilient and not afraid to walk away. I can be bent but never broken. I am loving, kind and giving. I take care of myself and the ones I love. I am a good woman and I deserve to be cherished and fought for. I am worth waiting for. I am never too much and always enough. I am not a one in a million kind of girl I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman.

Little bird

I wish to be a little bird
That flutters into your room
And lifts your eyes toward the sky.

You weren't supposed to leave me behind...
I believed you when you said we would make it through...
you had changed my story,
You had rescued me from the lonely gypsy I was and I thought my heart redeemed.
Now I am more lost and more broken then ever. It was manageable to be alone never knowing anything else, but then I met you and all the sadness melted away.
It would have been better for me if you had never come in to my life. Because now there is a sad gravity to my heart I cannot fix with smiles.
I cannot soldier on and make the best of things as before.
Nothing is as it was.
I know I will forever live in the wake of your love
And mourn what once was mine for a brief moment in time.
I cannot manage this.

I do not wish to hate.

You have made me a fool. You have brought me to my knees in desperate prayers. Prayers you turn a deaf ear to once again, yet I cannot help the tearful uttering. I was near to forgiving you and believing perhaps you could exsist. But now you have given me no choice. I cannot believe in you God, because if I did I would have to hate you. My life is a cruel joke to you. And I do not wish to hate.

SONNET 116


Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
 Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
 Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
                         
                                   -Shakespeare


The Philosopher

And what are you that, wanting you,
I should be kept awake
As many nights as there are days
With weeping for your sake?

And what are you that, missing you,
As many days as crawl
I should be listening to the wind
And looking at the wall?

I know a man that's a braver man
And twenty men as kind,
And what are you, that you should be
The one man in my mind?

Yet women's ways are witless ways,
As any sage will tell,—
And what am I, that I should love
So wisely and so well? 

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Wait.

Have I lost sight of myself? Have I been living in a pipe dream again or should I hang on to hope white knuckled until the day I die?
There are no guarantees in life as you have said, but the experience of you is other then my life thus far.
I have only recently questioned my resolve to grin and bare because I'm scared of where it may lead me.
The longer you are away, the more detached I feel from your priorities..
I do not question your honor or love for me but time can be a fickle thing.
Loss and disappointment are no strangers to me,
but losing you would be the destruction of all my dreams...
or whats left of them now.
I have been in the darkest tombs and felt the coldest nights, losing you would be too dark and too cold to bare.

I fear. Alone. again.

 My world is secluded as she is secluded and weathered as she has weathered,
every year I hear her voice in mine. I feel her strength.
 I cry her tears....
Too soon, to soon to slip into the final curtain of this lonely heartbreaking life.
I have not felt beloved. I have not walked down an isle with flowers in my hands, I have not felt my life as shared or redeemed in any way. I have had no family of my own,
would that I could give that to her, to myself. Would that life could somehow return to us.
A new story could begin to be written to overshadow the broken and tragic one left on our skin,
in our eyes and buried in our hearts.
With every melting fiber of my being I pray.
I pray prayers with no foreseen destination,
Only with a desperation that my existence may finally resolve itself in death or connect itself to life.

My choice is made. Wait.

  

My heart is a sinking ship

I have no choice but to miss you... My heart is a sinking ship. If there is strength yet to be found in it, it lies at the bottom of this ocean. So down I go, a relic I will become. So still. Memories, dreams and longings haunt my corridors and dance in my sails. I have only to sleep and wait. All my hopes turn to whispers yet do not fade. My life is constrained in a singular vision, a vision of you and I weathering this storm. Despair and  defeat are other then this patient vessel. Until the day you raise me up to sail again, I re live the sweetness of your touch, the gift of your love. May it be once again my harbor.

Uncertainty

When I die, do not mourn me as a christian for I am not one. Belief systems and afterlife theories are irrelevant in death and the soul may go far beyond them. This is what I have embraced. Death is just another part of the uncertainty that dances all around us. And God is in the details.

Samuel

Being so close to you alarms me on some level. I never expected you and I couldn't have imagined you, yet here you are giving me something I never ever had before...  Being cherished and loved by you has changed my life. You take the anxiety and the guess work out of my heart. When you call me baby and tell me that I'm beautiful I know that you mean it and I want to pinch myself and make sure I'm not dreaming. And then you say you love me and nothing has ever felt more real. How we met, our pasts, our presents, our personalities, the way we laugh and even your very name... blows my mind. Serendipity indeed. It's enough to make me believe in God again, So in a way, you may have saved my soul when you stole my heart... You are my companion and safe harbor and yours I will forever be.

And then you

I resigned myself alone to keep.

A wounded bird, a lost little sheep.

No fanciful eye, no dreams not pipe

I told myself it would suffice.

and then you.

I walked through valleys and weathered the storms

I tried to love and suffered only scorn

I watched them die, I lived with ghosts

My broken heart a willing host.

and then you.

I thought I'd never know anything but fragility

Or find in a man, such warmth and nobility

A stout hearted love seemed just out of grasp

but something inside me dared me to ask.

and then you

my soul, my heart, my serendipity

your love has rescued me.

Something has got to give 1/10/13

So much for New Year's resolutions... not that I made any but if I had they would be shot to hell now. I am not starting this year off very well, not very well at all. This terribly insecure and broken version of myself keeps making  decisions for me and they all end up being self sabotaging and destructive. I keep finding my self in the same sort of situations with the same sort a man, the kind that doesn't think twice about completely destroying my heart. Perhaps my skin is too thin and my heart is too weak, the only thing you can do with a girl whose heart is perpetually broken is crumble the pieces a bit more. I am carrying around a heart turned to dust.. I know I am being melodramatic and probably giving way too much credit to men who weren't worth my time in the first place but no matter how hard I try I can't  figure out why I keep perpetuating this vicious cycle. There is something seriously wrong with me, I'm subconsciously trying to punish myself.  That is the only conclusion I can come to after all this time.
 The last brief episode of heartache was surprisingly harmful. I was admittedly inebriated, but the hint of that familiar scenario of being the "other woman" struck a cord deep in my soul and sent me to the depths of that pain again. A sensible and cool headed version of myself would have sailed right past it with dignity and self assurance while brushing aside this lesser man, but that is not what I did, not in the least. I caused scene, I was angry and crying and pushing him away even while he tried to tell me how he liked me and wasn't going to go anywhere. It almost made it worse. He was suppose to leave me, I repeatedly told him I hated him and  that he should go away. I was pissed beyond what merited the situation and I didn't care.
  You ever feel like your heart is so broken that it physically aches in your chest? I feel heavy and tired. The world is a cold and lonely place and hope is an illusion. I suppose this is a bought of depression and I will feel right as rain in a week or so but this happens to me far too often to be tolerated. I've tried everything I could think of to avoid it happening but here I am again on my own going down the only road I've ever known... yes I quoted Whitesnake, that is just how pathetic I am becoming.
  Something has got to give. That phrase has been echoing in my head for the past few weeks and the truth of it I cannot escape. I'm beginning to hate this town and it's Never Never Land mindset. I want to run away from it but I don't really think that would solve anything. And I don't see anywhere better to go. I feel stuck and running out of time. I've found myself closing my teary eyes so tight and pleading with God for help and then my mind tells me that I'm talking to no one and it's all up to me to change things... which just makes me even sadder.
  My dreams have been slow and sad and tinged with loss. I look in the mirror lately and behind my fake smile a broken sad little girl. I drive the same roads every day and long to go beyond them. I'm bored with every other aspect of my life besides my work. Amazingly enough that isn't the problem I enjoy my job and am satisfied with it, but after five years in this bizarre party/resort town and one failed relationship after the other I'm beginning to wonder if I don't just need to pack up the few possessions I have and just leave for anywhere else.