Mumbling truth... truth like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold.

The afterlife?... the mind, the conscious is a powerful thing. We create our own reality perhaps after death what we envision is what we create it to be. I like to believe my energy, my soul if you will, goes to another level deeper level of understanding become part of The universe in a different way and perhaps my torture will cease the awful truth about me is I have a tortured soul maybe it is carried over from something else another way i existed before . In a way I like the idea of reincarnation. it makes as much sense as evolution in the spiritual realm. The way I see myself here in this life is .... alone, perpetually so.  I have fear, tho i constantly try to convince myself im brave. I lie though i tell myself im honest. Im lazy though i tell myself Im ambitious. Im weak though i tell myself im strong. I judge though i tell myself im not judgmental.... many things that I fail at I detest in others... the truth is im not all that great of a human. The truth is I cant imagine anyone wanting to love me... so i tell myself im going to be better, stronger more lovable, but i never get there.... I always scold or pep talk myself, but maybe what i really need to do is nothing. ... just be, in the now, how i am , out in the open... all my shame, all my glory, all my apologies and none of my excuses. I don't want to offend anyone, convert anyone or dazzle.. i just want to be accepted for who i am with the premise that my beliefs could be just as valid as yours. Its not that im angry or bitter or sinful, i don't believe in sin, and not because im evil or scandalous Just because western Christianity doesn't add up to me, the bible was never meant to be taken literally, its allegorical, it was written by men to convey meanings, i respect it the same way i respect Rilkes book of hours, poetry, prose, wisdom and philosophy. ..the contradictions and mental gymnastics Christians use to defend the stories in the bible as facts are preposterous to me and i can no longer bend my intellect around it. What makes sense to me is logic and rational thought. Not an old bearded man in the sky who watches me pee and not the egocentric, narcissistic sociopath god of Christianity. I believe in god as a concept, a way of philosophizing the meta physical universe. I think god is the collective consciousness of every human being. And its not a he, she or any one being, but we are all part of it, one giant soul that is god. I am god, you are god just as i am the "Devil" and you are the "devil" we are responsible for this earth and we operate under the same laws that nature does, cause and effect, action reaction, choice and consequences. Not reward and punishment and sin and redemption these are man made concepts of power, ideas planted and perpetuated over decades as a means of control. Religion is all about control. Yet, it is responsible for the most chaotic evils mankind has done to itself.. I say evil fully aware that it is a value judgement of my own making. Culturally we need a standard of value judgements or society doesn't function, and therein lies the positive aspect of certain religions, but to me their negatives far out way the positives. history constantly repeats itself and here I am stuck in the audience trying to make sense of it all...