To what may come

Here I am...

I have kingdoms and lifetimes beneath my skin

a broken wave, a thunderclap.

Scandalous. Victorious.

The gathering storm may do its worst, I will not fall.

Inside a weathered heart I have it all.

Blazin the trail.. so to speak

Here's another issue that I'm gonna spout off about that might bring me some static, but do I give a shit?.... nope.

My lovely little town of Breckenridge, sitting peacefully at the foot of the most beautiful snow covered mountains you'll ever see, is leading the way. Though some would say Breck is full of young people who are content to work in local shops and restaurants to make rent in order to to live here and dedicate their lives to what is most important.. snowboarding :) We have put our collective heads together and made a huge statement for the rest of the nation to take note of. This past Tuesday proposal 2F won with 73% of the vote to LEGALIZE the possession of marijuana!!

Making Breck the first city in Colorado to do so, this is huge folks. I'm so proud because Breck is the perfect example of the benefits of debunking this nations fucked up drug laws where weed is concerned. we have a zero crime rate and live in near perfect harmony. Stoners are not criminals and should never have been treated thus. Have you ever seen or met a stoner who wouldn't choose a bag of Doritos and a cheech and chong flick over going out and starting fights or vandalizing shit? If anything there should be stricter laws regarding ALCOHOL. It's seriously ridiculous dude. The Government wastes millions of dollars trying to bust people for growing marijuana, a plant with natural and medicinal benefits when they should be focusing on real threats to society

Can I just say...

I'm so tired of people being afraid to disapprove of something in the name of tolerance, it is our god given right to make those discernment's for ourselves. Political correctness and 'tolerance' will be our downfall. Tolerance should not mean a blanket of approval over a certain culture or religion's actions just because something is a 'religion' doesn't mean it deserves respect, some religions ARE complete bullshit. Namely radical Islam, if you don't believe me search it out yourself and if you don't find that it is based on war, hatred and murdering Americans in the name of 'Allah' you are blind. It is our right and responsibility to search these things out. It is scary that these hate filled terrorists are living among us, working good jobs and enjoying all the freedoms of America all the while plotting and carrying out mass murders of American 'swine' while the rest are closing their curtains to celebrate the 'victory'. Please understand I am not trying to demonize ALL followers of Islam, I'm sure there are peace loving Islamists who would condemn these actions but, forgive me if I remain skeptical as this is a very rare occurrence and on occasion has proven to be lip service.

After today's events at Ft.Hood I would not blame the military for being extra cautious about allowing Islamits into the service.My heart breaks for all the mothers and fathers, wives and children that lost their loved ones in this brutal attack.
Wake up America the terrorists aren't overseas.. they are next door.

All I can do

I've been thinking about my Dad and Sammy alot lately... oh god I just realized it was 4 years ago Today that my Dad died... dam I miss him so very much. It always happens this time of year, I have a few melt downs and that lingering emptiness in my heart is more apparent to me, the holiday season which use to be something I really enjoyed and looked forward to has became something painful, something to be endured and survived.

It started 8 years ago when my brother Sammy died, so tragically, so unexpected, it shattered my world. A part of me died that night in the hospital too, I remember screaming at God that I hated him for taking Sammy away from me and asking him why he didn't take me, I really loved my brother, everyone did, he was beautiful...I still miss him, I'm only recently realizing how much of that pain I've been burying all these years I never talk about it like this I'm not sure why its coming out now, but just remembering that night in the hospital is making me sob... god I'm a mess. You can see why I would want to forget...

I was at the point where I was focusing on living my life and going to school and enjoying my life in Oregon, My Parents lived in Massachusetts at the time, when I get the phone call from my Mom... My Dad was dying 3000 miles away from me and there was nothing I could do but clutch the phone and beg him to hang on.. "Dad please, please don't go I need you, I Love you." ... 'Rachie rach I love you" It was the last thing He ever said to me... That was truly THE WORST day of my life because I was all alone... I was 3000 miles away from my family, from my Dad, my wonderful Dad as he was leaving this world, I laid on my bed weeping and calling out for my Dad, looking out the window wanting, pleading, praying that He would be coming to get me and scoop me up in his arms... I'm still waiting. Ever since that night I cant help feeling like I'm not safe the world is scarier because my Dad isn't here to protect me.

gosh I don't know why I'm blogging all of this, I know it cant be a pleasant thing to read and I'm sorry I guess I just need to unload it right now, I try not to dwell on those sad moments of loss in my life and I really try to be happy because I know that's what Sammy and Dad would want, but sometimes I just feel so alone without them and so sad because I still needed them both and its not OK. its not OK... Life is hard enough without losing the only people in life who made me feel safe. I try to be so strong, I try to remember that I will see them again someday, whoever said life is short is a goddamn liar... life is terribly long.

All of you out there with families who love you, please PLEASE don't take it for granted, you are lucky you have each other, take it from me... I would give anything for one more day with my whole family together again, I envy you.

I will get through this night. I will wake in the morning and do what I need to do. I will hope. And the prayer in my heart is that this sadness will lift and God will bring me peace...its all I can do.

Narcissism, at it's best.

Do you ever feel like there are sometimes things lurking around your consciousness, recent regrets, weak moments and decisions that tug at you and brow beat you wanting to be felt and analyzed but the instant they are recognized or revealed you sink into a hatred of their existence and a self punishment for having been some one who is a weaker version of who you imagine yourself to be... that dim-witted woman in a 'Lifetime' movie who you would like to beat some sense into? What the hell was I thinking? I thought I was stronger then that, but my self-confidence is apparently non-existent and there truly must be something wrong with me because he didn't chose me... it seems that simple or at least too hard to not believe, I wonder if every woman agonizes at every failed relationship like I do, I hate it.. id like to be that cool as a cucumber, i always get my way woman you often see in the movies who never agonizes about anything, least of all a silly ole man. even now I judge myself for dwelling, not moving on, feeling sorry for myself... being weak. but god dam I'm tired of being deceived and disappointed. I never learn.
I hold on to hope until it crashes down upon my head, its my stubborn 'hammer headed' ways, as my dad use to say. I hate when I cant just let things go until they are pryed out of my heart by reality. I'm afraid that my spirit is starting to break... When I grow fond of someone I aways decide they are completely worth loving and incapable of harming me... Love makes all my senses blind... Some people I wish Id never met.

Yet the calm after the storm always has a way of making it a light reflection and when I find I've been blindsided and knocked on my ass, I pick myself up by my boot straps, count my blessings and start again... thus is life I suppose. Or perhaps it is my lot in life to be knocked about and teased. I remeber watching a movie called 'Tess of the Durbevilles' years and years ago about this Demure and otherwise lovely girl whose life story reads like a collection of worse case scenerios and 'whats the worst that could happen?' in the end of her unjust, young life, as she is being led away to be executed the nararator explains that 'Life had finished its sport with Tess' ... and those words resounded in me, I identified deeply with Tess... Im probably just being narcisistic as usual but lately Ive felt that life really is just having a sport with me...of course my stubborn nature dictates that I will always be up for the challange, grit my teeth and fight on, Therein lays my silver lining for I've been given an 'acute sense of justice' and a 'fiercly independant spirit' as my mother would say, And I consider them to be the paticular set of tools I need for this particular life I've been given.

Kissing Frogs

Okay.. so I've been avoiding writing about this cause its a little personal to me, but then I figured what the hell do I have a blog if Im not ever gonna write about whats on my mind eh? and what have I got to hide? so anyway, here it is, I kinda fell hard for a boy this past month.. yea... didnt mean too, but I can never seem to help these things. I meet him in July, He was sweet and respectful and seemed like everything I needed. I thought I might have finally found someone worth sticking around for, I thought perhaps this time it will be different. I tried to be catious at first but he seemed to let me in so fast and everytime he gently touched me I would melt... I know, I know.. Im such a girl.. what can I say? we all just want to be loved and I had all but made up my mind that It wasnt for me.. and then there he was and I let my guard down. there I was hopeful and happy and scared all at the same time. but then something happened, almost as fast as he let me in he shut me out and Im not sure why but it didnt work out.. I blamed myself for awhile, I felt like shit for awhile, but for whatever reason it wasn't meant to be. I'm not saying its not confusing and dissapointing, Ive been thinking about him and the time we spent together and trying to figure out what went wrong, what I did wrong.. What he did wrong... but its really just a waste of time. I'm Moving on and just focusing on myself again. Im a fairly independent person and I've never really felt that I needed to be in a relationship to be complete, it just hurts a bit right now when I hear love songs or see sappy movies.. in true female form my heart twists a bit.

Damn.. it feels good to get it off my chest though, one thing I have learned about my heart over the years is that it is resilient. I still have hope that theres someone special out there for me I guess, I just wish I didnt have to kiss so many frogs... haha.

Bear Crossing, A Cosmic tattle-tale revisted and No more biting

I almost shat my pants today! I went for a walk a bit later then I usually do, it was about sunset. I usually stick to the paths around our 'neighbourhood' which is really just the rocky mountains with a few speratic log cabin homes which are mostly sitting empty this time of year. Im walking down this dirt path with a wooded area on either side when i pass a house with a 'bear crossing' sign in the front yard. As Im wondering why anyone would put that in their front yard I look down and see three huge bear prints in the dirt leading off int the woods... oh shit, their not kidding. So of course Im wishing I would've went on this walk alittle earlier when the light wasnt fading and making everything shadowy. I turn my ipod off to stay more alert. Still determined to enjoy my walk i keep going up the path. a little while later out of the corner of my eye I see a big dark figure in the trees being perfectly still, my heart imdiediatly jumps to my throat and I feel a rush of nervous adrenaline. "oh shit, oh shit" im saying in my head, all I can do is stare. its not moving, so I sqwint my eyes and begin to make out a few bolts and what looks to be wood... yes it was one of those giant wire spools just sitting in the trees, not a bear. "Whew!" that was fuckin scary. I speed walked the rest of the way home looking around and thinking about what exactly to do if i do see a bear. I cant wait to walk around Eugene where bears arent randomly wandering around.. hopefully.

In other news,

I have aquired a very differse group of freinds and aquiantences over the years, which im grateful for. Because of the fact that Ive lived in alot of different places and traveled around quite a bit, I've gotten to know and expiernce and even at times debate alot of different view points and beliefs, which I feel is important in becoming a more well rounded individual and discovering what your own true beliefs are while respecting those of others. Like alot of people, I was brought up in a small midwest town and spent alot of time going to church with my family. Thinking back on it, in alot of ways Im grateful for the environment of a well meaning christian community but have since moved away from much of the religious aspects of it. I remember being handed a stack of 'Tracks' to hand out at halloween with the candy, 'Tracks' are small little animated booklets with scriptures in them, they were aimed at prostalitizing non christians in hopes of converting them to christianity. Most of them were manufactured by on over-zealous, spiritually manipulative religous organization that liked to use scare-tactics and perpetuate the threat of 'hell' one in particular I remember reading was about your average 'non-christian' man who suddenly dies in a car crash and floats up to heaven to 'stand before God in judgement' It depicted him standing infront of a huge movie screen with all the people he ever knew in life looking on as every bad or decietful thing he ever did in life appeared on the screen to be judged by this booming voice above.... wow, that sucks. Whenever I think of memories like this now, I like to revist them in a more postive and corrective light. While that might be somewhat of an incentive to limit the amount of shady things you do in life, rather then painting God as a sort of cosmic tattle-tale I like to think of him as a human advocate and our own personal admirer. Im not certain what exactly the after life will look like, but wouldn't it be cool If we floated up to heaven and stood with everyone we knew in life while the big giant screen showed a divinely highlighted version of our life, a sort of intense sensory inventory of our proudest moments, our happiest moments, everything beautiful we've every seen or felt or heard, our pain and laughter, our trials and victories. Our Love. It would be like the most Epic movie ever made. And like a proud Father God would smile at our efforts and our spirit. That would inspire me to make the most of this beautiful gift of life and dive into its waters and soak it up. To make the most of my time here, banish fear and do my best to encourage and help others to do the same. Yeah, I like that
version ALOT better.

One more little thing I wanted to share is a herbal recipe for reppelling spiders and other insects that might be trying to invade your room at night. after waking up with a couple little bites on my cheeks I researched this because I didnt want to use any harsh chemicals around my beding. After washing all your bedding spray this around the diameter of room, bedframe and mattress. it seems to be working quite well :)

mix these ingrediants in a spray bottle
citronella oil
Lavender oil
cinnamin oil
peppermint oil
citrus oil
coconut oil
tea tree oil
a dash of white vinager
water

Wah.

I saw this movie in the theater when it came out almost ten years ago. I was teased by my friends for crying at this part. I saw it on t.v. again last night and it still made me ball my eyes out... I mean like seriously, it touches me on deep levels.


This part.

Magic in the Mountains

its almost 6 pm and Ive just returned from taking my CPR class and picking up ingredients to make banana bread for the boys. I realize i am flush with energy and Skeeter looks out the window longingly. So Iopen the door to go for a hike with my doggie. The sky is dark and ominous and the wind is picking up.. what the hell I'll just make it a brisk hike around the loop I can make it. I live on a Hill over looking pretty much all of Breckenridge and the mountain so the view is amazing. The Sky was brilliant hues of purple and violet and the mountain with still a wee bit of snow on the peaks seemed to be alive. The wind whipped my hair around violently and Thunder roared and rolled around above me as rain started to sprinkle down. My heart raced as I was only half way home and I thought for sure Is was going to start pouring, but then I realized I loved it. I loved the danger the excitment,what if it rains.. well then I'll get wet. everything around me seemed magical, the colors, the smells. Skeeter charged forward pulling the leesh, he was probably scared of the thunder but I like to think he was bravely taking the lead haha. we made it home nearly dry and the clouds seem to be clearing. perfect timing.

Gypsy Wind

I am currently sitting at the front desk of Simply Massage in Breckenridge looking out the window. There is a small market place set up in Main street station boasting booths with mainly novelty gift and clothing items facing a few rows of chairs in front of a tiny stage where an older hippie woman is tuning a guitar. The clouds are rolling in and the wind is picking up, this should be fairly entertaining.
It's Father's Day. Oh how I miss my sweet Dad... When I think about my life these last few years without him I am aware just how much. I picture him cheering me on and telling me he is proud of me, but what I wouldn't give to hear his voice again...

I have just returned from a mini west coast adventure in which I drove out to Chico, California and spent some time with my friend Mikey who has kind enough to let me crash at his place for a week, and an interesting week it was too. I meet up with some extended family I hadnt seen since I was a little girl. The weather was simply gorgeous! I dearly miss those warm nights, Breck is NOT warm at night, and good company. I continued on to Eugene, Oregon for the last two days of my trip which is only about 5 hours north of Chico. I wanted to go see all my friends there, I lived there for nearly five years, but I knew I wouldnt be able to so I spent a Day at the coast with my Juliana hiking the dunes with our sandboards and finding some fun lines.
I set out on the trip knowing that I needed to make a change. As much as I love Snowboarding and living in the mountains, after my second season here, my second long-ass bitterly cold winter here, I realized it not the bet fit for me and the long term goals I have, its like living in a rich persons playground, unless you make a shit ton of money its nearly impossile to have a quality permanent residence, Im getting to the point now where I want grown up things i.e. my own practice, a house and some stability, Im begining to feel like a grown up trying to survive in Never Never Land.It's been an adventure, I dont regret my decision to move to Breck and there are definetly aspects of living here I will miss but on the trip back here from Oregon I realized I miss it, I miss the Ocean and the climate, qwerky little Eugene and how it smells of Lavender. All the lovely people I know there so, Im going back. Going back is a new adventure in itself for me, I have never gone back to someplace, I have always gone someplace new so the fact that I have a desire to return tells me that it is a good fit and Im anxious to return and start my life there. I will be getting a place to live with my dear friend Juliana at some point this Summer
Now I am just trying to get all my ducks in a row, I will need to take a practical exam to obtain my Oregon Massage Licence so I am studying for that and trying not to get overwhelmed by all the hassels of moving, but everything will work out I am confident.

The sun has decided to make an appearence and this little blue grass trio outside of the studio has attracted a modest crowd. Life is sweet.

Bonjour BlogSpot!

I already have a myspace and facebook account yet I feel the need to create yet another space dedicatied exclusively to me... I cant decide if Im a cyper whore or if I just really really like to stay connected, Im going with the latter. I have felt the need to blog about all the things going on in my life and current events and just randoms that I ponder and I might be more apt to do so in a more grown up blog spot such as this so here I am! There is alot brewing in my world and I will soon return to chronicle.

yes, Nibby is my nickname in case you didnt know :)