I've been thinking about my Dad and Sammy alot lately... oh god I just realized it was 4 years ago Today that my Dad died... dam I miss him so very much. It always happens this time of year, I have a few melt downs and that lingering emptiness in my heart is more apparent to me, the holiday season which use to be something I really enjoyed and looked forward to has became something painful, something to be endured and survived.
It started 8 years ago when my brother Sammy died, so tragically, so unexpected, it shattered my world. A part of me died that night in the hospital too, I remember screaming at God that I hated him for taking Sammy away from me and asking him why he didn't take me, I really loved my brother, everyone did, he was beautiful...I still miss him, I'm only recently realizing how much of that pain I've been burying all these years I never talk about it like this I'm not sure why its coming out now, but just remembering that night in the hospital is making me sob... god I'm a mess. You can see why I would want to forget...
I was at the point where I was focusing on living my life and going to school and enjoying my life in Oregon, My Parents lived in Massachusetts at the time, when I get the phone call from my Mom... My Dad was dying 3000 miles away from me and there was nothing I could do but clutch the phone and beg him to hang on.. "Dad please, please don't go I need you, I Love you." ... 'Rachie rach I love you" It was the last thing He ever said to me... That was truly THE WORST day of my life because I was all alone... I was 3000 miles away from my family, from my Dad, my wonderful Dad as he was leaving this world, I laid on my bed weeping and calling out for my Dad, looking out the window wanting, pleading, praying that He would be coming to get me and scoop me up in his arms... I'm still waiting. Ever since that night I cant help feeling like I'm not safe the world is scarier because my Dad isn't here to protect me.
gosh I don't know why I'm blogging all of this, I know it cant be a pleasant thing to read and I'm sorry I guess I just need to unload it right now, I try not to dwell on those sad moments of loss in my life and I really try to be happy because I know that's what Sammy and Dad would want, but sometimes I just feel so alone without them and so sad because I still needed them both and its not OK. its not OK... Life is hard enough without losing the only people in life who made me feel safe. I try to be so strong, I try to remember that I will see them again someday, whoever said life is short is a goddamn liar... life is terribly long.
All of you out there with families who love you, please PLEASE don't take it for granted, you are lucky you have each other, take it from me... I would give anything for one more day with my whole family together again, I envy you.
I will get through this night. I will wake in the morning and do what I need to do. I will hope. And the prayer in my heart is that this sadness will lift and God will bring me peace...its all I can do.
It started 8 years ago when my brother Sammy died, so tragically, so unexpected, it shattered my world. A part of me died that night in the hospital too, I remember screaming at God that I hated him for taking Sammy away from me and asking him why he didn't take me, I really loved my brother, everyone did, he was beautiful...I still miss him, I'm only recently realizing how much of that pain I've been burying all these years I never talk about it like this I'm not sure why its coming out now, but just remembering that night in the hospital is making me sob... god I'm a mess. You can see why I would want to forget...
I was at the point where I was focusing on living my life and going to school and enjoying my life in Oregon, My Parents lived in Massachusetts at the time, when I get the phone call from my Mom... My Dad was dying 3000 miles away from me and there was nothing I could do but clutch the phone and beg him to hang on.. "Dad please, please don't go I need you, I Love you." ... 'Rachie rach I love you" It was the last thing He ever said to me... That was truly THE WORST day of my life because I was all alone... I was 3000 miles away from my family, from my Dad, my wonderful Dad as he was leaving this world, I laid on my bed weeping and calling out for my Dad, looking out the window wanting, pleading, praying that He would be coming to get me and scoop me up in his arms... I'm still waiting. Ever since that night I cant help feeling like I'm not safe the world is scarier because my Dad isn't here to protect me.
gosh I don't know why I'm blogging all of this, I know it cant be a pleasant thing to read and I'm sorry I guess I just need to unload it right now, I try not to dwell on those sad moments of loss in my life and I really try to be happy because I know that's what Sammy and Dad would want, but sometimes I just feel so alone without them and so sad because I still needed them both and its not OK. its not OK... Life is hard enough without losing the only people in life who made me feel safe. I try to be so strong, I try to remember that I will see them again someday, whoever said life is short is a goddamn liar... life is terribly long.
All of you out there with families who love you, please PLEASE don't take it for granted, you are lucky you have each other, take it from me... I would give anything for one more day with my whole family together again, I envy you.
I will get through this night. I will wake in the morning and do what I need to do. I will hope. And the prayer in my heart is that this sadness will lift and God will bring me peace...its all I can do.
2 comments:
Hey Rachel, I'm glad you are blogging about your thoughts concerning your family. It an be kind of therapeutic and it always helps those around you who might be far away to think to continue praying for you and our mom. One of my very close friends in Columbus lost her daughter in September. It was a long, horrible ordeal and she is obviously grieving tremendously right now. She has a website where she has blogged throughout the entire process and is still blogging frequently as she deals with the grief and emotions and pain following the loss of her baby. I know that Jessica has said to me that she finds an enormous amount of strength and insight when she reads other people's writings who have gone through something similar. I am posting the link to her website here for you in case you would like to read her writings. I would recommend starting at the beginning and working through them. But the majorty of her posts about loss are from September on. She has not lost a brother or father, but losing a child is also an incredibly deep pain and her writings are beautiful and honest. Here's the link if you're interested.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/clearfield/journal
I read this back when you wrote it...and cried with you....but didn't leave a comment cause I didn't know what to say. And really...I'm leaving THIS comment and just saying that I don't know what to say. ;-)
Very good post Rachel. Glad you wrote about your Dad and Sammy.
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