Do you ever feel like there are sometimes things lurking around your consciousness, recent regrets, weak moments and decisions that tug at you and brow beat you wanting to be felt and analyzed but the instant they are recognized or revealed you sink into a hatred of their existence and a self punishment for having been some one who is a weaker version of who you imagine yourself to be... that dim-witted woman in a 'Lifetime' movie who you would like to beat some sense into? What the hell was I thinking? I thought I was stronger then that, but my self-confidence is apparently non-existent and there truly must be something wrong with me because he didn't chose me... it seems that simple or at least too hard to not believe, I wonder if every woman agonizes at every failed relationship like I do, I hate it.. id like to be that cool as a cucumber, i always get my way woman you often see in the movies who never agonizes about anything, least of all a silly ole man. even now I judge myself for dwelling, not moving on, feeling sorry for myself... being weak. but god dam I'm tired of being deceived and disappointed. I never learn.
I hold on to hope until it crashes down upon my head, its my stubborn 'hammer headed' ways, as my dad use to say. I hate when I cant just let things go until they are pryed out of my heart by reality. I'm afraid that my spirit is starting to break... When I grow fond of someone I aways decide they are completely worth loving and incapable of harming me... Love makes all my senses blind... Some people I wish Id never met.
Yet the calm after the storm always has a way of making it a light reflection and when I find I've been blindsided and knocked on my ass, I pick myself up by my boot straps, count my blessings and start again... thus is life I suppose. Or perhaps it is my lot in life to be knocked about and teased. I remeber watching a movie called 'Tess of the Durbevilles' years and years ago about this Demure and otherwise lovely girl whose life story reads like a collection of worse case scenerios and 'whats the worst that could happen?' in the end of her unjust, young life, as she is being led away to be executed the nararator explains that 'Life had finished its sport with Tess' ... and those words resounded in me, I identified deeply with Tess... Im probably just being narcisistic as usual but lately Ive felt that life really is just having a sport with me...of course my stubborn nature dictates that I will always be up for the challange, grit my teeth and fight on, Therein lays my silver lining for I've been given an 'acute sense of justice' and a 'fiercly independant spirit' as my mother would say, And I consider them to be the paticular set of tools I need for this particular life I've been given.
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Honey, I feel so bad after having read all of that. I wish there was something I could do, or rather, should have done so long ago. I feel like my name is printed somewhere a long that long list of people who have done you harm and wish that I could take it all back. You are a strong person, for good or bad. And even though it may seem that life is just playing with you, know that you will win- someday. Be patient and take heart in the fact that there are people out there who love you.
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