All I can do

I've been thinking about my Dad and Sammy alot lately... oh god I just realized it was 4 years ago Today that my Dad died... dam I miss him so very much. It always happens this time of year, I have a few melt downs and that lingering emptiness in my heart is more apparent to me, the holiday season which use to be something I really enjoyed and looked forward to has became something painful, something to be endured and survived.

It started 8 years ago when my brother Sammy died, so tragically, so unexpected, it shattered my world. A part of me died that night in the hospital too, I remember screaming at God that I hated him for taking Sammy away from me and asking him why he didn't take me, I really loved my brother, everyone did, he was beautiful...I still miss him, I'm only recently realizing how much of that pain I've been burying all these years I never talk about it like this I'm not sure why its coming out now, but just remembering that night in the hospital is making me sob... god I'm a mess. You can see why I would want to forget...

I was at the point where I was focusing on living my life and going to school and enjoying my life in Oregon, My Parents lived in Massachusetts at the time, when I get the phone call from my Mom... My Dad was dying 3000 miles away from me and there was nothing I could do but clutch the phone and beg him to hang on.. "Dad please, please don't go I need you, I Love you." ... 'Rachie rach I love you" It was the last thing He ever said to me... That was truly THE WORST day of my life because I was all alone... I was 3000 miles away from my family, from my Dad, my wonderful Dad as he was leaving this world, I laid on my bed weeping and calling out for my Dad, looking out the window wanting, pleading, praying that He would be coming to get me and scoop me up in his arms... I'm still waiting. Ever since that night I cant help feeling like I'm not safe the world is scarier because my Dad isn't here to protect me.

gosh I don't know why I'm blogging all of this, I know it cant be a pleasant thing to read and I'm sorry I guess I just need to unload it right now, I try not to dwell on those sad moments of loss in my life and I really try to be happy because I know that's what Sammy and Dad would want, but sometimes I just feel so alone without them and so sad because I still needed them both and its not OK. its not OK... Life is hard enough without losing the only people in life who made me feel safe. I try to be so strong, I try to remember that I will see them again someday, whoever said life is short is a goddamn liar... life is terribly long.

All of you out there with families who love you, please PLEASE don't take it for granted, you are lucky you have each other, take it from me... I would give anything for one more day with my whole family together again, I envy you.

I will get through this night. I will wake in the morning and do what I need to do. I will hope. And the prayer in my heart is that this sadness will lift and God will bring me peace...its all I can do.

Narcissism, at it's best.

Do you ever feel like there are sometimes things lurking around your consciousness, recent regrets, weak moments and decisions that tug at you and brow beat you wanting to be felt and analyzed but the instant they are recognized or revealed you sink into a hatred of their existence and a self punishment for having been some one who is a weaker version of who you imagine yourself to be... that dim-witted woman in a 'Lifetime' movie who you would like to beat some sense into? What the hell was I thinking? I thought I was stronger then that, but my self-confidence is apparently non-existent and there truly must be something wrong with me because he didn't chose me... it seems that simple or at least too hard to not believe, I wonder if every woman agonizes at every failed relationship like I do, I hate it.. id like to be that cool as a cucumber, i always get my way woman you often see in the movies who never agonizes about anything, least of all a silly ole man. even now I judge myself for dwelling, not moving on, feeling sorry for myself... being weak. but god dam I'm tired of being deceived and disappointed. I never learn.
I hold on to hope until it crashes down upon my head, its my stubborn 'hammer headed' ways, as my dad use to say. I hate when I cant just let things go until they are pryed out of my heart by reality. I'm afraid that my spirit is starting to break... When I grow fond of someone I aways decide they are completely worth loving and incapable of harming me... Love makes all my senses blind... Some people I wish Id never met.

Yet the calm after the storm always has a way of making it a light reflection and when I find I've been blindsided and knocked on my ass, I pick myself up by my boot straps, count my blessings and start again... thus is life I suppose. Or perhaps it is my lot in life to be knocked about and teased. I remeber watching a movie called 'Tess of the Durbevilles' years and years ago about this Demure and otherwise lovely girl whose life story reads like a collection of worse case scenerios and 'whats the worst that could happen?' in the end of her unjust, young life, as she is being led away to be executed the nararator explains that 'Life had finished its sport with Tess' ... and those words resounded in me, I identified deeply with Tess... Im probably just being narcisistic as usual but lately Ive felt that life really is just having a sport with me...of course my stubborn nature dictates that I will always be up for the challange, grit my teeth and fight on, Therein lays my silver lining for I've been given an 'acute sense of justice' and a 'fiercly independant spirit' as my mother would say, And I consider them to be the paticular set of tools I need for this particular life I've been given.