A prison for your mind ( Revisited )

 After thinking about the nature of friendships inside of belief systems, the last time I went to church, the look I got from someone and the blog I posted last February, I  began to connect some more dots and processed a few things in my own way.

 I knew that this was the direction i was heading in...
When you express an opinion that is contrary to popular belief it doesn't make you popular. I said what I thought, I put it out there for all the world to see and I don't regret it, I guess I just wasn't prepared for how isolated I would feel. I was just being honest, but what did I expect would happen? To be accepted and loved despite my differing beliefs?? Nope. As long as the labels of 'Christian' and Non-Christian are assigned, for some it is next to impossible for the two to truly be friends. And that is what makes me sad.

 It seems as though when you are part of a special group of people the only reason you feel secure is because you are validated by your peers, it's human nature. I removed myself from being a peer, I defected, in a way, and I'm not mad or surprised really I just hate that I'm perceived as a hostile person because of it... I'm not, not at all. As much as I would like to pretend that nothing has changed in me and I still believe the way I did I can't, it would be intellectually dishonest for me to play along. I see that now.
 A part of me wishes I didn't seek to open all the doors and try so hard to connect the pieces, ignorance is bliss, but my need for answers wouldn't allow me to avoid the truth of my heart. Now I see clearly what true friendship means to me and I also see that I never really had it and it's no body's fault. I once believed the same way, or at least really wanted to, and that's what brought me into a community a friends... I miss that. But there were so many intellectual boundaries that proved to be too constricting for me, so out of sight out of mind I guess. Funny thing is my lifestyle has not changed, I am perhaps even more guarded about my character and integrity then when I believed in a punishment for not having them. Reward and punishment, sin and redemption... it's a flawed system to me, it has man written all over it. Religion is not about faith or goodness, it's about control.

  I'm in a good place as far as my understanding of life and 'God', a flood gate of revelation opened to me last year that I had been chasing for ten years. I'm no where near pinning down what exactly I believe in nor will I ever be because I want to stay open in my heart and mind to all of life and all people. I'm just a clueless as everyone else, but I think I've learned to recognize that more. but I do feel disappointment in people, in general, in how dismissive and closed minded they can be. I'm not going to rant about judgementalism, which seems to usually be the go to complaint against the church, because I fully admit to judging and being judged by individuals in all walks of life. It's what we do, it is human nature to make judgements and discernments. It doesn't bother me to be judged, It bothers me to be dismissed and forgotten because I'm no longer a subscriber to a certain belief system. But I get it, people fear what they don't understand and when all you know is "Us and Them" it's second nature to put everyone in those categories. I know that in reality it's too tall of an order to transcend those boundaries. At least not in this lifetime. So I will resign myself to closing that chapter and starting a new one. I'm no stranger to starting over perhaps that's why I overcame the fear of disowning such a widely accepted belief system as Christianity. I'm not out to convince anyone of what I believe. For myself and myself alone, this is my path, I only ask to be allowed to walk it as we all must do. It would be great though if someday we could learn to be real friends as well..and not just the kind of 'friend' who checks in on me after not seeing me in church for half a year because you're assuming that that means I'm 'backsliding' or being rebelious and I need you to help me see the error of my ways. even if it's just out of curiousity of how I could be truly at peace and happy with not going to church or being a "Christian" I would appreiate the honesty you don't have to cover it up under the pretense of caring about me.

Eggplant Mozzarella Falafels

I've never done a recipe blog but I'm pretty proud of this creation so here goes.

I had a few random veggies in my fridge and falafel mix so I made it up as I went and it was Delicious and pretty healthy!

You will need:

Eggplant ( 3 cups diced )

Celery ( 3 stalks diced )

Green onions ( 1/4 cup minced )

Part skim Mozzarella cheese ( 6 oz diced )

Crushed mint ( 1 1/2 tbsp )

Dill ( 2 tbsp )

Basil ( 2 tbsp )

Egg ( 1)

Whole wheat flour ( 3/4 cup )

Falafel mix or bread crumbs ( 2 cups )

Canola oil or whatever cooking oil you prefer ( about 3 cups )

Mix the eggplant, celery, green onions, Mozzarella, crushed mint, dill, basil, egg and flour together in a bowl until the consistency is a bit doughy and form medium sized balls with it. add flour if needed.

In a deep pan bring the canola oil to a slight boil on high heat. cover the balls with the falafel mix and drop into oil. Fry them for about 15 - 30 seconds each and remove. 

Gah! so yummy.

 I did the math and figured out that each Falafel ball is about 60 calories.

Enjoy!

I cursed God the day you died

I am a rootless tree, a flightless bird.

Where once I would dig myself into the ground

or yearn for the sky

My palm is open, my grip is loose. I float along.

yet haunted by these memoriess of you...

I am content, decidedly so.

I hear your laughter I see your smile

In every event that is meant to break me.

I have buried you both in every place I've been.

How sweetly my heart was made to ache...

You

I felt the loss of years culminate in a moment. I felt so small and unimportant watching you shut me out of your plans, I felt the sting of indifference and I fell apart. Helpless I am always, to keep the ones I love... Life feels little more then a cruel joke that keeps repeating it's disdain for all I desire. When will I finally learn and accept that at the end of the day it is only me. There is no one to rescue me , there is no one to ease my pain or share my days. i am meant to ache...alone.

A prison for your mind...

All my life I've been trying to piece together this wildly confusing and inconsistent puzzle of a worldview called Christianity. I see now it will never fit together well enough for me to fully accept it as the ultimate truth, at least not in the dogma drenched warped form it's taken on in western culture. I was handed all these varying pieces and told that I should trust that they were a part of the big picture, but the truth is no one has the big picture, perhaps a 'big picture' doesn't even exist and that's OK.

It's taken me the better part of 30 years to reclaim my mind and find my voice. I've always known better deep inside, The doubts, the questions the suspicions, they were always there, but until you separate yourself from the peer pressure cooker of modern day Christianity and the 'group think' mentality of the Church it's hard to see the absurdity, arrogance and air of entitlement this religion lays claims to. I say it is a religion and not a 'relationship' as I had previously been conditioned into thinking, because I now see that that phrasing was only a clever disguise to appeal to younger generations and distract from its true identity of another cultish brainwashing religion. It's hard to accept that you will be alone, one of our deepest instinctual desires as human beings is to belong and feel apart of a community and finding out your true identity and what you truly believe can be a lonely journey, but I have never felt more free and at peace as I do after letting go of my fear based theologies and being truly open to seeking, finding and committing myself to my highest truths, which do not now include a conventional christian worldview.

It's taken me the better part of a year to finally let go of the idea that I am being a rebellious back-slider if I reject Christianity. I knew that I would be prayed over, have disapproving heads shook at me and finally dismissed from those I had once desperately wanted to call my friends. It took me this long to finally realize that losing myself to a belief system and playing along to be accepted wasn't something I could do for the rest of my life, For years I felt skeptical of the doctrines I was suppose to accept to be a 'Christian' but my fear of being an outcast kept me from speaking up. That's how much of a hold it has on the mind of an individual steeped in this rigid judgemental mindset. Modern day fundamentalist Christianity looks to me like a cancer of the mind, it eats away at the rhythm and logic it takes to sustain a healthy intellect.

I have realized over the past few years that science and nature are at odds with the guilt producing reward and punishment system of sin and redemption It is a religion that functions solely as a control mechanism amongst humans. Religion knows that if you train a people to believe they are intrinsically shameful, sinful, bad and in need of correction you can keep them in a childish state of submission and obedience, deminishing their purpose and desire to evolve spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Nature operates in cause and effect and choice and consequence. A tribal deity that serves to cushion man's ancient fear of mortality is all christianity is and it is nothing new. It's sponsoring thought is fear disguised as reverence. It takes an exhausting amount of mental gymnastics to ignore the contradictions in the various interpretations and dogmas laid over top of the bible and even more brain bending to rationalize the frightening oddities of the egocentric bipolar tyrannical god of Christianity. There is a quote by Robert Green Ingersol that I find appropriate " The Inspiration of the bible depends greatly upon the ignorance of the gentleman who reads it." No wonder Christians are among the most stressed out people in America! Letting go of the archaic notion of heaven and hell was something I did even before i dismissed the fantastical notion that we can predict the afterlife, even in high school I realised I couldn't believe in a god who would create a thing like 'hell' and claim at the same time to be all loving.

While I now see much of this cultish, group think, pack mentality world of Christianity to be poisonous to a persons mental, emotional, spiritual and intellectual health I must clarify that I do not think all Christians are knowingly apart of this 'prison for your mind' way of life, I certainly wasn't (yes that is a matrix reference) and it is my greatest wish that more of the sweet, well intentioned loving people I know to be 'Christians' someday awaken to the beautiful world of reason and free thinking that has no boundaries or fear of hell, no core beliefs of shame and guilt, but of intrinsic dignity and empowerment and enlightenment. I would challenge my fellow seekers of truth to redefine everything, break it all down, take nothing on authority but take authority on everything and have a mind that is truely open and fearless. Religion teaches us to believe and live by the mandates and thoughts of others, True spirituality requires us to form our own original thoughts about life and live by our own highest truths, radical I know, but oh so Freeing! I maintain that Jesus was probably centuries ahead of his time in his evolved ways of thinking and teaching and the innovation and revolution of who he was is lost in the dogma and traditions of this religion he never intended to build.

I guess I am only writing this as an outlet for the revelations and epiphanies that have been burning inside me for over a year now, and I'm still just figuring things out, I'm on this journey where beliefs are pliable and open to change given new and better information and experiences I like it this way and I truly hope that this soul bearing entry may encourage others to be brave and continue in their own journey for truth and freedom. We are ALL in this together and the collective consciousness of aware and awakened minds can truely change the world.