A prison for your mind ( Revisited )

 After thinking about the nature of friendships inside of belief systems, the last time I went to church, the look I got from someone and the blog I posted last February, I  began to connect some more dots and processed a few things in my own way.

 I knew that this was the direction i was heading in...
When you express an opinion that is contrary to popular belief it doesn't make you popular. I said what I thought, I put it out there for all the world to see and I don't regret it, I guess I just wasn't prepared for how isolated I would feel. I was just being honest, but what did I expect would happen? To be accepted and loved despite my differing beliefs?? Nope. As long as the labels of 'Christian' and Non-Christian are assigned, for some it is next to impossible for the two to truly be friends. And that is what makes me sad.

 It seems as though when you are part of a special group of people the only reason you feel secure is because you are validated by your peers, it's human nature. I removed myself from being a peer, I defected, in a way, and I'm not mad or surprised really I just hate that I'm perceived as a hostile person because of it... I'm not, not at all. As much as I would like to pretend that nothing has changed in me and I still believe the way I did I can't, it would be intellectually dishonest for me to play along. I see that now.
 A part of me wishes I didn't seek to open all the doors and try so hard to connect the pieces, ignorance is bliss, but my need for answers wouldn't allow me to avoid the truth of my heart. Now I see clearly what true friendship means to me and I also see that I never really had it and it's no body's fault. I once believed the same way, or at least really wanted to, and that's what brought me into a community a friends... I miss that. But there were so many intellectual boundaries that proved to be too constricting for me, so out of sight out of mind I guess. Funny thing is my lifestyle has not changed, I am perhaps even more guarded about my character and integrity then when I believed in a punishment for not having them. Reward and punishment, sin and redemption... it's a flawed system to me, it has man written all over it. Religion is not about faith or goodness, it's about control.

  I'm in a good place as far as my understanding of life and 'God', a flood gate of revelation opened to me last year that I had been chasing for ten years. I'm no where near pinning down what exactly I believe in nor will I ever be because I want to stay open in my heart and mind to all of life and all people. I'm just a clueless as everyone else, but I think I've learned to recognize that more. but I do feel disappointment in people, in general, in how dismissive and closed minded they can be. I'm not going to rant about judgementalism, which seems to usually be the go to complaint against the church, because I fully admit to judging and being judged by individuals in all walks of life. It's what we do, it is human nature to make judgements and discernments. It doesn't bother me to be judged, It bothers me to be dismissed and forgotten because I'm no longer a subscriber to a certain belief system. But I get it, people fear what they don't understand and when all you know is "Us and Them" it's second nature to put everyone in those categories. I know that in reality it's too tall of an order to transcend those boundaries. At least not in this lifetime. So I will resign myself to closing that chapter and starting a new one. I'm no stranger to starting over perhaps that's why I overcame the fear of disowning such a widely accepted belief system as Christianity. I'm not out to convince anyone of what I believe. For myself and myself alone, this is my path, I only ask to be allowed to walk it as we all must do. It would be great though if someday we could learn to be real friends as well..and not just the kind of 'friend' who checks in on me after not seeing me in church for half a year because you're assuming that that means I'm 'backsliding' or being rebelious and I need you to help me see the error of my ways. even if it's just out of curiousity of how I could be truly at peace and happy with not going to church or being a "Christian" I would appreiate the honesty you don't have to cover it up under the pretense of caring about me.