50 questions that will free your mind.

These questions have no right or wrong answers.

Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.  ( my answers are in red. ) This felt like a mental colonic.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 27
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Cause life isn't short... it''s terribly long.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? ... No I don't think so
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? Men.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Being loved
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? I'm doing what I believe in, but I'd like to expound upon it and do more.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would retire at 30 and travel.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? In how I choose to respond to life's twists and turns and react positively toward change.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? doing things right.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do? Defend my friend, if these people are truly worth my respect, they will  redeem themselves.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? don't be in a hurry to grow up.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? yes.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? often.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? life.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? We all have our own path
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? take a trip to Scotland. Time and money
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? not anymore
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? NC to be closer to my family
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? yes and maybe.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? joyful simpleton... duh.
22. Why are you, you? why is anybody anyone?
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? for the most part.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? when they live right near you, but cease to care about your friendship.
25. What are you most grateful for? good health
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? lose all of my old ones.
27. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first? no.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? twice.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? yes, every event that extremely upsets me changes me.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? laughing with my little brother, it is the soundtrack to my dreams.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? taking a risk on someone I loved, accomplishing a fitness goal and deciding to move away and start over.
32. If not now, then when? in 2 months when the season is over.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? very little.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? no
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? because Love isn't found in rigid belief systems, love that is exclusionary and unyielding is not real love.  Religion is mans delusion of control and power.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? yes and no. Yes because good and evil are merely value judgments and you can know what yours are. No because your value judgments will not be the same as everyone else.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? No, I like my work, but I would work half as much and pursue all my other interests as well.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? Less work, more money.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? no, maybe a dozen.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? about 5 months ago.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? My mom and brother
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?...tempting, but no.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? fear
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? now.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? because its painful.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?... sing, like I'm in a Disney movie... all the time, everywhere.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? just now
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? My dog, yes.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? probably not.
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? absolutely for myself.

Keep the balance true.

I think I was an owl in a past life, a wise old owl. 
I stay up nights... just thinking, analyzing, planning. 
Lately I'm feeling a mix of nervous, expectant and nostalgic. 
I have no time to feel lonely anymore.
Although its always there in the background like an unwanted theme of a subconscious play I'm continuously writing, I no longer confuse my lonesome feelings with being alone.
Solitude is other then despair. I embrace the inner resources my solitude has given me and I know that in my life I must make giant circles that I can move in.
 I see the mental and emotional fences a small life can build and I don't want to be fenced in.
 I want to roam, explore and experience my life. 
The fear is that it will keep me from being known. 
My heart is a bit of a desperado, but in most stories of loner cowboys there is always that one person that truly knows them, one loyal to the gypsy soul. 
I hope to find my person soon. 
I believe in a love that's being stored up for me and the value of levity over gravity.
 Life can be a burdensome thing. 
Perhaps I have some weight to lift. 
Perhaps it is my desirous purpose to have something to give instead of take. 
There is no predicting nor controlling what happens to us in life, I think its safe to say,
 I know this more then most, 
but what I have learned is that you can control how you react to it 
and that makes all the difference. 
You can choose not to bark back at life when its harsh with you. 
You can choose not to take revenge when someone wrongs you. 
You can humble yourself when your pride is attacked. 
You can smile and laugh and dance when there seems to be no reason to. 
It may seem naive and juvenile but the jokes on you if you take everything too seriously. 
The reward for letting things go is peace. 
The consequence of detachment is simple joy.


And do not change. Do not divert your love from visible things, but go on loving what is good, simple and ordinary; animals and things and flowers, and keep the balance true. 
-Rainer Maria Rilke

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Searching for my Bliss.

When people find out I'm moving away from Breckenridge to North Carolina the first thing they ask is "Why?"

Why am i moving? Simple: I'm still searching for my bliss.  I'm not leaving because I hate it here, I love snowboarding, the mountains, the snow and even the cold. I shall miss the breathtaking views, the natural splendor of the Rockies and peacefulness of a mountain town. I love Colorado, I'm not leaving without a bit of a heavy heart, but where I find myself lacking after 6 years in summit county is in the area of relationships, that seems to be the trade off for living in such a transitory resort town. It's been impossible for me to build meaningful relationships because everyone seems to be just passing through this place on the way to their real life. So I guess I'm following suit. I want more, I want friendships that last, a community that is stable and a life with a less lonesome future. I've almost left a few times but something, or someone, always happened to keep me here so this time I'm sticking to my guns from here on out.    Maybe nothing much will change. Maybe it will, maybe it will be much better. Its worth the risk to leave and find out. Little has changed in the past 6 years including myself. And that's what scares me most.  My hope is that starting afresh in a new place, any place, will open up my life and there will be a greater chance that I'll find new situations I can learn and grow in and attract the kind of people who aren't always chasing a good time or just passing through but care about foundations and growth. But mostly my heart needs fed, fed With creativity, music, ideas, projects, education, opportunities and like minds. I've found very few kindred spirits here lately and I need those in my life. For most young adults Breckenridge is a place to party it up and avoid real life or leave before you get stuck in the lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, dead-end jobs and no prospects. Those are four things I no longer wish to be surrounded by and the options are so severely limited I find myself alone most of the time. I think I've finally outgrown Never Never land enough to fly away. I think it will be easier to choose contentment someplace more... real.

The Paradox of Me.

My throat is scratchy and sore from yelling. 
Yelling at Skeeter to come back as he runs down the road after another dog.
Yelling "NO!" at my car as it slides helplessly careening downwards towards a snowbank while driving down the white ribbon of death that is my driveway.
Yelling because I have no control. I wish i didn't need control so much, but I do. 
I know I'll never get it, but therein lies the seat of my delusion. 
I've became loud, frustrated and dramatic  these past few weeks for no good reason really.
But good reason has rarely held sway over this wild heart of mine.
My desires are what thrash within my soul begging for an audience.
If it's only to break free for awhile and leave it all behind, it's what I must do.
I'll continue to white knuckle my plans and goals because allowing myself to drift along aimlessly has only landed me in the lap of disappointment and discontentment.
I'll take the reigns and drive hard. 
Where the road bends I do not know. 
All I know is I've cracked the whip and I'm going.

There is a time for peace but it is not now.
Now is the time for desperate action. I fling myself onto the open road and flee my comfort zone.
In the upheaval and leap into the unknown is where I will become quiet again.

This is the paradox of me.