This Is How We Date Now

I just had to repost this little nugget of wisdom from Thought Catalog.
 http://thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-varon/2014/12/this-is-how-we-date-now/


We don’t commit now. We don’t see the point. They’ve always said there are so many fish in the sea, but never before has that sea of fish been right at our fingertips on OkCupid, Tinder, Grindr, Dattch, take your pick. We can order up a human being in the same way we can order up pad thai on Seamless. We think intimacy lies in a perfectly-executed string of emoji. We think effort is a “good morning” text. We say romance is dead, because maybe it is, but maybe we just need to reinvent it. Maybe romance in our modern age is putting the phone down long enough to look in each other’s eyes at dinner. Maybe romance is deleting Tinder off your phone after an incredible first date with someone. Maybe romance is still there, we just don’t know what it looks like now.

 When we choose—if we commit—we are still one eye wandering at the options. We want the beautiful cut of filet mignon, but we’re too busy eyeing the mediocre buffet, because choice. Because choice. Our choices are killing us. We think choice means something. We think opportunity is good. We think the more chances we have, the better. But, it makes everything watered-down. Never mind actually feeling satisfied, we don’t even understand what satisfaction looks like, sounds like, feels like. We’re one foot out the door, because outside that door is more, more, more. We don’t see who’s right in front of our eyes asking to be loved, because no one is asking to be loved.

 We long for something that we still want to believe exists. Yet, we are looking for the next thrill, the next jolt of excitement, the next instant gratification. We soothe ourselves and distract ourselves and, if we can’t even face the demons inside our own brain, how can we be expected to stick something out, to love someone even when it’s not easy to love them? We bail. We leave. We see a limitless world in a way that no generation before us has seen. We can open up a new tab, look at pictures of Portugal, pull out a Visa, and book a plane ticket. We don’t do this, but we can. The point is that we know we can, even if we don’t have the resources to do so. There are always other tantalizing options. Open up Instagram and see the lives of others, the life we could have. See the places we’re not traveling to. See the lives we’re not living. See the people we’re not dating. We bombard ourselves with stimuli, input, input, input, and we wonder why we’re miserable. We wonder why we’re dissatisfied. We wonder why nothing lasts and everything feels a little hopeless. Because, we have no idea how to see our lives for what they are, instead of what they aren’t.

And, even if we find it. Say we find that person we love who loves us. Commitment. Intimacy. “I love you.” We do it. We find it. Then, quickly, we live it for others. We tell people we’re in a relationship on Facebook. We throw our pictures up on Instagram. We become a “we.” We make it seem shiny and perfect because what we choose to share is the highlight reel. We don’t share the 3am fights, the reddened eyes, the tear-stained bedsheets. We don’t write status updates about how their love for us shines a light on where we don’t love ourselves. We don’t tweet 140 characters of sadness when we’re having the kinds of conversations that can make or break the future of our love. This is not what we share. Shiny picture. Happy couple. Love is perfect. Then, we see these other happy, shiny couples and we compare.

We are The Emoji Generation. Choice Culture. The Comparison Generation. Measuring up. Good enough. The best. Never before have we had such an incredible cornucopia of markers for what it looks like to live the Best Life Possible. We input, input, input and soon find ourselves in despair. We’ll never be good enough, because what we’re trying to measure up to just does not fucking exist. These lives do not exist. These relationships do not exist. Yet, we can’t believe it. We see it with our own eyes. And, we want it. And, we will make ourselves miserable until we get it. So, we break up. We break up because we’re not good enough, our lives aren’t good enough, our relationship isn’t good enough. We swipe, swipe, swipe, just a bit more on Tinder. We order someone up to our door just like a pizza. And, the cycle starts again. Emoji. “Good morning” text. Intimacy. Put down the phone. Couple selfie. Shiny, happy couple. Compare. Compare. Compare. The inevitable creeping in of latent, subtle dissatisfaction. The fights. “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” “This isn’t working.” “I need something more.” And, we break up. Another love lost. Another graveyard of shiny, happy couple selfies. On to the next. Searching for the elusive more. The next fix. The next gratification. The next quick hit. Living our lives in 140 characters, 5 second snaps, frozen filtered images, four minute movies, attention here, attention there. More as an illusion.

We worry about settling, all the while making ourselves suffer thinking that anything less than the shiny, happy filtered life we’ve been accustomed to is settling. What is settling? We don’t know, but we fucking don’t want it. If it’s not perfect, it’s settling. If it’s not glittery filtered love, settling. If it’s not Pinterest-worthy, settling. We realize that this more we want is a lie. We want phone calls. We want to see a face we love absent of the blue dim of a phone screen. We want slowness. We want simplicity. We want a life that does not need the validation of likes, favorites, comments, upvotes. We may not know yet that we want this, but we do. We want connection, true connection. We want a love that builds, not a love that gets discarded for the next hit. We want to come home to people. We want to lay down our heads at the end of our lives and know we lived well, we lived the fuck out of our lives. This is what we want even if we don’t know it yet. Yet, this is not how we date now. This is not how we love now.

Mumbling truth... truth like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold.

The afterlife?... the mind, the conscious is a powerful thing. We create our own reality perhaps after death what we envision is what we create it to be. I like to believe my energy, my soul if you will, goes to another level deeper level of understanding become part of The universe in a different way and perhaps my torture will cease the awful truth about me is I have a tortured soul maybe it is carried over from something else another way i existed before . In a way I like the idea of reincarnation. it makes as much sense as evolution in the spiritual realm. The way I see myself here in this life is .... alone, perpetually so.  I have fear, tho i constantly try to convince myself im brave. I lie though i tell myself im honest. Im lazy though i tell myself Im ambitious. Im weak though i tell myself im strong. I judge though i tell myself im not judgmental.... many things that I fail at I detest in others... the truth is im not all that great of a human. The truth is I cant imagine anyone wanting to love me... so i tell myself im going to be better, stronger more lovable, but i never get there.... I always scold or pep talk myself, but maybe what i really need to do is nothing. ... just be, in the now, how i am , out in the open... all my shame, all my glory, all my apologies and none of my excuses. I don't want to offend anyone, convert anyone or dazzle.. i just want to be accepted for who i am with the premise that my beliefs could be just as valid as yours. Its not that im angry or bitter or sinful, i don't believe in sin, and not because im evil or scandalous Just because western Christianity doesn't add up to me, the bible was never meant to be taken literally, its allegorical, it was written by men to convey meanings, i respect it the same way i respect Rilkes book of hours, poetry, prose, wisdom and philosophy. ..the contradictions and mental gymnastics Christians use to defend the stories in the bible as facts are preposterous to me and i can no longer bend my intellect around it. What makes sense to me is logic and rational thought. Not an old bearded man in the sky who watches me pee and not the egocentric, narcissistic sociopath god of Christianity. I believe in god as a concept, a way of philosophizing the meta physical universe. I think god is the collective consciousness of every human being. And its not a he, she or any one being, but we are all part of it, one giant soul that is god. I am god, you are god just as i am the "Devil" and you are the "devil" we are responsible for this earth and we operate under the same laws that nature does, cause and effect, action reaction, choice and consequences. Not reward and punishment and sin and redemption these are man made concepts of power, ideas planted and perpetuated over decades as a means of control. Religion is all about control. Yet, it is responsible for the most chaotic evils mankind has done to itself.. I say evil fully aware that it is a value judgement of my own making. Culturally we need a standard of value judgements or society doesn't function, and therein lies the positive aspect of certain religions, but to me their negatives far out way the positives. history constantly repeats itself and here I am stuck in the audience trying to make sense of it all...

My best relationship.

 Driving through The county today I realized that the best relationship I've had in the past 7 years has been with these mountains. I look up and they're still the same, they're always there for me. Strong, silent and tall surrounding me constantly yet never making me feel closed in. They are steady and supportive and let me roam knowing I will always come back to their shelter and solace. They do not lie to me or make promises they cannot keep, they are the same forever. when I look up at them I feel a familiarity that has been rare in my life. I feel a kin to the way they exist here, alone and self sufficient. I aspire to their magnificence and strength. I am calmed by the unchanging nature of these gentle giants.

A bottle of wine.

The truth... the true, true truth about me.. I am a tortured soul.   There's a sad gravity in me that anchors me...   I feel things so deeply it splits my heart open. I half live in other realms.  Being present is a paradox. I am a paradox .  I don't belong in the present.

50 questions that will free your mind.

These questions have no right or wrong answers.

Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.  ( my answers are in red. ) This felt like a mental colonic.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 27
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Cause life isn't short... it''s terribly long.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? ... No I don't think so
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? Men.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Being loved
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? I'm doing what I believe in, but I'd like to expound upon it and do more.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would retire at 30 and travel.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? In how I choose to respond to life's twists and turns and react positively toward change.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? doing things right.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do? Defend my friend, if these people are truly worth my respect, they will  redeem themselves.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? don't be in a hurry to grow up.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? yes.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? often.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? life.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? We all have our own path
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? take a trip to Scotland. Time and money
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? not anymore
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? NC to be closer to my family
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? yes and maybe.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? joyful simpleton... duh.
22. Why are you, you? why is anybody anyone?
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? for the most part.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? when they live right near you, but cease to care about your friendship.
25. What are you most grateful for? good health
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? lose all of my old ones.
27. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first? no.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? twice.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? yes, every event that extremely upsets me changes me.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? laughing with my little brother, it is the soundtrack to my dreams.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? taking a risk on someone I loved, accomplishing a fitness goal and deciding to move away and start over.
32. If not now, then when? in 2 months when the season is over.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? very little.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? no
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? because Love isn't found in rigid belief systems, love that is exclusionary and unyielding is not real love.  Religion is mans delusion of control and power.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? yes and no. Yes because good and evil are merely value judgments and you can know what yours are. No because your value judgments will not be the same as everyone else.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? No, I like my work, but I would work half as much and pursue all my other interests as well.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? Less work, more money.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? no, maybe a dozen.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? about 5 months ago.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? My mom and brother
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?...tempting, but no.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? fear
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? now.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? because its painful.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?... sing, like I'm in a Disney movie... all the time, everywhere.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? just now
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? My dog, yes.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? probably not.
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? absolutely for myself.

Keep the balance true.

I think I was an owl in a past life, a wise old owl. 
I stay up nights... just thinking, analyzing, planning. 
Lately I'm feeling a mix of nervous, expectant and nostalgic. 
I have no time to feel lonely anymore.
Although its always there in the background like an unwanted theme of a subconscious play I'm continuously writing, I no longer confuse my lonesome feelings with being alone.
Solitude is other then despair. I embrace the inner resources my solitude has given me and I know that in my life I must make giant circles that I can move in.
 I see the mental and emotional fences a small life can build and I don't want to be fenced in.
 I want to roam, explore and experience my life. 
The fear is that it will keep me from being known. 
My heart is a bit of a desperado, but in most stories of loner cowboys there is always that one person that truly knows them, one loyal to the gypsy soul. 
I hope to find my person soon. 
I believe in a love that's being stored up for me and the value of levity over gravity.
 Life can be a burdensome thing. 
Perhaps I have some weight to lift. 
Perhaps it is my desirous purpose to have something to give instead of take. 
There is no predicting nor controlling what happens to us in life, I think its safe to say,
 I know this more then most, 
but what I have learned is that you can control how you react to it 
and that makes all the difference. 
You can choose not to bark back at life when its harsh with you. 
You can choose not to take revenge when someone wrongs you. 
You can humble yourself when your pride is attacked. 
You can smile and laugh and dance when there seems to be no reason to. 
It may seem naive and juvenile but the jokes on you if you take everything too seriously. 
The reward for letting things go is peace. 
The consequence of detachment is simple joy.


And do not change. Do not divert your love from visible things, but go on loving what is good, simple and ordinary; animals and things and flowers, and keep the balance true. 
-Rainer Maria Rilke

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Searching for my Bliss.

When people find out I'm moving away from Breckenridge to North Carolina the first thing they ask is "Why?"

Why am i moving? Simple: I'm still searching for my bliss.  I'm not leaving because I hate it here, I love snowboarding, the mountains, the snow and even the cold. I shall miss the breathtaking views, the natural splendor of the Rockies and peacefulness of a mountain town. I love Colorado, I'm not leaving without a bit of a heavy heart, but where I find myself lacking after 6 years in summit county is in the area of relationships, that seems to be the trade off for living in such a transitory resort town. It's been impossible for me to build meaningful relationships because everyone seems to be just passing through this place on the way to their real life. So I guess I'm following suit. I want more, I want friendships that last, a community that is stable and a life with a less lonesome future. I've almost left a few times but something, or someone, always happened to keep me here so this time I'm sticking to my guns from here on out.    Maybe nothing much will change. Maybe it will, maybe it will be much better. Its worth the risk to leave and find out. Little has changed in the past 6 years including myself. And that's what scares me most.  My hope is that starting afresh in a new place, any place, will open up my life and there will be a greater chance that I'll find new situations I can learn and grow in and attract the kind of people who aren't always chasing a good time or just passing through but care about foundations and growth. But mostly my heart needs fed, fed With creativity, music, ideas, projects, education, opportunities and like minds. I've found very few kindred spirits here lately and I need those in my life. For most young adults Breckenridge is a place to party it up and avoid real life or leave before you get stuck in the lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, dead-end jobs and no prospects. Those are four things I no longer wish to be surrounded by and the options are so severely limited I find myself alone most of the time. I think I've finally outgrown Never Never land enough to fly away. I think it will be easier to choose contentment someplace more... real.

The Paradox of Me.

My throat is scratchy and sore from yelling. 
Yelling at Skeeter to come back as he runs down the road after another dog.
Yelling "NO!" at my car as it slides helplessly careening downwards towards a snowbank while driving down the white ribbon of death that is my driveway.
Yelling because I have no control. I wish i didn't need control so much, but I do. 
I know I'll never get it, but therein lies the seat of my delusion. 
I've became loud, frustrated and dramatic  these past few weeks for no good reason really.
But good reason has rarely held sway over this wild heart of mine.
My desires are what thrash within my soul begging for an audience.
If it's only to break free for awhile and leave it all behind, it's what I must do.
I'll continue to white knuckle my plans and goals because allowing myself to drift along aimlessly has only landed me in the lap of disappointment and discontentment.
I'll take the reigns and drive hard. 
Where the road bends I do not know. 
All I know is I've cracked the whip and I'm going.

There is a time for peace but it is not now.
Now is the time for desperate action. I fling myself onto the open road and flee my comfort zone.
In the upheaval and leap into the unknown is where I will become quiet again.

This is the paradox of me.

Demons

(archived thoughts) But you have demons of your own.  That make me refrain from adding my anger on top of what already haunts you. Hurting people hurt people and wishing you harm would only feel like kicking someone when they're down.  Not that you don't deserve to feel the heartache and destruction your selfishness has caused me, you do.  But not getting what we deserve is sometimes a saving grace in our lives.  And I would honor myself and the love I had for you by allowing you a saving grace.  Although you chose not to honor me i think revenge is a fools pursuit.  I still choose kindness, I hope I always do.  And as for you, once my lover but with everyday that passes more a stranger to me,  A part of me will always wish you had made different choices.

I prefer Passion

I prefer passion.

I am an opinionated person, as you may have noticed, and I am not afraid to voice it. If you're reading my blog post right now you've found the one place where I unapologetically post my views and opinions about things. I'm aware that I am not always right and when given new and better information about different subject matter I'm not afraid to change my position. But from knowledge and research gathered I cannot help but search for truth, broadcast and be passionate about it. I want my eyes as open to whats going on in the world around me as they can be.

When I had gotten carried away about something after a few glasses of wine and then apologized to a friend in my company she then said. "I prefer passion" and that people who are passionate about things are the kind of friends she likes to have, even if you don't necessarily agree with their view point you have to respect a persons passion for things because they tend to be more interesting and entertaining people. I deeply appreciated her sentiment because I often feel chastised and estranged for being the way I am and knowing there are people who understand and accept me is wonderful.

A lot of people live lives of quiet desperation or desperate quietness, not really wanting to know about the world and not caring about anything outside their own little world and this is the status quo. If you are passionate about anything not politically correct or controversial they treat you like a freak and are annoyed at your attempts to engage them in any kind of meaningful discussion.

It is refreshing to meet others who are thinkers, analyzers and enjoy spirited debates because they understand that its really not about who is right or wrong, but about trying to understand the world, trying to fix whats broken and trying to find solutions together. I guess that is all I really want to do.